This week’s blog has been difficult for me to write, because I’ve been experiencing an inner conflict. My heart is telling me not to listen to my head. My head is telling me to beware my heart.  My heart recognizes what the Holy Spirit is doing inside me.  My head keeps telling me I’ve got to figure this thing out before I tell anyone about it.  “What do you have to say that hasn’t been said a million times before?”

My husband and I enjoy a good Disney movie.  But we’ve noticed a trend through the years that we’ve come to refer to as a Disneyism.  Pretty much every one of their films tell you to follow your heart!  They write it in the screenplays, they sing it in the songs.  The main character will want something so badly, but he or she won’t initially pursue the dream because there will be some sort of road block.  Perhaps a physical enemy, or maybe a lack of self confidence…maybe they’ve simply been misunderstood.  Whatever the reason, the audience falls in love with this character.  We root for them because we’ve all been there.  By the end of the movie the main character will muster up the courage to take a chance and follow the heart, then everyone lives happily ever after.  The end.  It seems to work for Disney.  But in real life, following your heart can get you into trouble if you’re not careful.

I have always understood the inherent danger of following my heart. An emotional response to an event in life can lead to poor choices, false words, irrational actions. Decisions based solely on feelings can result in devastation and heartache. It doesn’t matter if my intentions are good, emotions can cloud my judgement. However, I am also acquainted with the problems associated with a purely logical approach. Logic, based in fact, is hard, cold, unyielding. It doesn’t trust the unseen. It wants answers to questions and to rationalize the chaos. But there aren’t always answers. Sometimes, we just have to stand in faith.

It would be easier if You were just a thought in my head.
Simply something that I once read.
A belief needing my defense.
And It would be easier if You were something I once knew,
A hope just to hold on to.
But You’re holding out Your hands.

‘Cause You came to take us back to the start.
You came to touch the hardness of our hearts.
You gave us truth. The truth is who You are.
It’s who You are.

And it’s not enough to just say ‘I believe’,
’cause truth is that talk is cheap.
So Grace give me eyes to see.

Every time this Tenth Avenue North song comes up on my playlist, it catches my attention. It’s called, The Truth is Who You Are. I absolutely love this song. I totally relate to this song…I understand the sentiment. Countless times over the years I’ve thought that it would be so much easier if this world, this life, was all there is. If we just died and then there was nothing, then nothing would be important. There would be no eternal implications to the decisions I make. But when you believe in a sovereign God, well, that just comes with so much importance!

To serve God is a privilege and a burden. When I look at the world beyond my Christian circle, I see people in pain. I see sin and death.  I see souls who don’t even realize their need for a Savior. So much hate.  So many lies.  So many people walking down the broad road and not the narrow (Matthew 7:13-14). Even the happy events seem to be fleeting because the concerns of this world can so easily overtake joy.  Jesus said there is so much work to be done, but so few workers (Matthew 9:37). Any Christian who recognizes this feels the weight of it.  It really would be easier if we didn’t have to carry this burden.

As I’ve been thinking about this newfound joy I’ve been experiencing, it occurred to me that my old way of thinking may have been honest, but it effectively robbed me of the joy of the Lord!  My focus was on how hard it is to live the Christian life, instead of just following Jesus.

Every spring, we have a mini-retreat for the women in my church.  It’s always such a great time getting away with friends, having fun and worshipping Jesus.  Last year the theme was joy.  I planned to present a short study on the topic. When I started looking for a good verse on joy, I couldn’t find one. I spent quite a bit of time reading verse after verse and nothing felt right…nothing inspired me. Finally, I decided to just start writing. I figured the verse would come to me as I wrote.  There was nothing.  Not only no verse came to mind, but no words…I had nothing to share. I knew that joy was not something that came easily to me…but I had no idea how difficult it would be for me to teach on the subject. I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn’t in a place where I could teach it and I wouldn’t be honest if I tried to fake it. So, the message became a confession and a request for prayer from my friends.

That realization broke my heart. How had that 16 year old girl, who had so joyfully said “Yes!” to God, become the woman who had no joy?   Praying for joy was not uncommon for me, but after this experience I found myself praying much more often for it.

Last week I wrote that I had no idea where the deep sadness I experienced in December had come from. I am beginning to understand that I had to go through that pain in order to get to the place where I was willing to place my heart in the hands of God.  You see, I don’t easily trust.  I always thought that I trusted God, but now I know that I didn’t trust Him…at least not fully.  I kept an area of my heart hidden from others, including Him.  Pain never dealt with.  Suffering that had just been put aside because I needed to remain strong. That pain was safely tucked away, deep in a secret place that only I could visit when I was feeling melancholy…and I did visit that place periodically. But the purpose of my visits was not to deal with the pain, I would go there to wallow in it. So these wounds never healed and they robbed me of joy.

To get my attention, God opened the floodgates and released all that pain at once. It worked!  He definitely got my attention.  I didn’t understand what was happening while I was going through the storm, but it knocked the wind out of me and brought me to my knees.  I would never have sought forgiveness and  healing, and as a result received His joy, if He had not first cut open my heart and revealed my sin.

So, today I chose to write from the heart.  I decided not to listen to those  voices in my head, not today.  I am still learning what it means to experience the joy of the Lord, to trust Him completely.   I will continue seeking answers to my questions…to rationalize the chaos.   That makes my head happy.  But, as I dig into scripture I will also pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to wash over me and make me clean before Him.  That will excite my heart and keep it humble before God.