Humbled Before Him

Sometime in May I started wondering how I would handle the next really difficult season of life…a deep loss, another death. Would I pass the test or fall back into ugly old habits? I really wanted to understand the formula for tapping into the joy of the Lord in the midst of the storm. Because, if I’m being honest, I’ve never been joyful during the difficult times. I am stoic and strong, sometimes numb, but never joyful in troubled waters…never thankful. My natural response is to dig down deep and bury the pain so I can tap into my own personal strength. But this year things have changed. The Holy Spirit has been changing my heart.

I love the joy that is coursing through me now. However, I know my nature…my core humanity. I’m a realist and an introvert by nature. I know that I can’t be joyful 24/7 until the day I die. No breaks. No sadness. No disappointment. Not possible! I still live in this broken world and as a member of the human race I’m aware that I can’t escape the hard times! It’s very easy to be joyful when life is good and God is blessing. But what about when something horrible happens? If my world turns upside down again, how will I hang onto the joy of the Lord?

My heart’s desire is that I would continue to walk in Christ, with joy, no matter what the circumstance. I don’t want the really big disappointments of life to derail me and cause me to focus on the loss instead of Christ. So I prayed. In May, I honestly didn’t know how I would respond to trial because I didn’t understand the formula for being joyful through adversity.  It’s August now and I understand.

I do not believe that God lit my house on fire to teach me a lesson. However, I whole-heartedly believe that God uses all things in life to strengthen our faith in Him.

Romans 8:28 NIV
[28] And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

All things. In all things God works for the good of those who love Him and have accepted His call to faith and action. God’s purpose is intricate and wholly amazing. Those of us who have accepted Christ are woven into His good purposes. We are part of God’s good plan. Jesus gave me this verse when I was a teenager. This has been “my verse” for so many years! Today it is still my verse! It is even more precious to me today than at any other time in my life because I can clearly see the path that I’ve walked with my Lord and Savior over this past year. He has been lovingly preparing my heart to be able to stand in His strength during this particular storm.

On July 6th our home caught fire. Within minutes the fire department was fighting the blaze, but it was already engulfed.

It was a normal work day, up at 6am and out the door by 7:10. I had been at work for nearly 3 hours when my cell phone rang. I answered it and heard my husband say, “Alice, our house is burning down.” I remember telling TJ that I’d be right there as I was walking to my supervisor’s office to let her know I had to leave because my house was on fire. As I returned to my office to get my purse and car keys, my HR Director was coming to see me. As soon as she saw my face, she knew something bad had happened. She dropped everything and drove me home. I was very thankful for that act of kindness!

As we were driving to my house, three fire trucks drove past us with lights flashing and sirens blaring. I could see the smoke rising in the distance. The fire trucks turned onto my street. It didn’t look good. They had been called by the first responders. Cars were driving slow and being detoured away from our house, which had been barricaded. My friend parked as close as she could, then we got out and walked. I could see the flames shooting up through the roof from a couple blocks away. She walked with me as I looked for TJ. I didn’t know if he was still there or had perhaps been taken away by ambulance. He was home when the fire broke out. I couldn’t remember if I had asked him if he was hurt when we were on the phone together.

TJ had gotten up early with me that morning. He often does, but not always. When I left for work he was sitting in his chair, catching up on the news with his iPad and drinking the coffee I had made. I kissed him goodbye and went to work. At some point he dozed off in his chair. He woke up to the bark of our dog, Lady. She knew there was a fire before it was even inside the house.

Our hot water heater had caught the house on fire. According to the fire investigator, it had been improperly installed…in 1998! It was a gas heater and the vent was installed upside down, causing much of the hot gases to vent inside the wall instead of outdoors. For 17 years the hot exhaust was partially venting into the wall. (When I contemplate this, I clearly see years of God’s protection). That morning the perfect series of events occurred which caught our home on fire. We had been having an unseasonably hot spring/summer so everything was very dry. The hot water heater cycled and vented into the wall as it had been doing for years. The wood inside the wall had been slowly charring over time and like charcoal, it was perfectly prepared to catch fire. The fire started in the wall and gained momentum on the cedar siding before it caught the deck on fire.

When Lady barked, TJ opened his eyes to see a wall of flame on the outside of the dining room window. He immediately tried to put out the fire, but tossing water on it only seemed to infuriate the flames. So he decided to go get his cell phone and call 911. As he came back inside and closed the kitchen door the dining room window busted in, bringing the fire in with it.  TJ told me he saw the blades of the ceiling fan immediately shrivel up and fall onto the dining room table. The dining room and kitchen were engulfed in a moment. He ran down the hall to our bedroom to get his cell and when he came back out he saw that the living room was ablaze. He ran to the front door…he said it felt like he was running past a bonfire. Lady was eagerly waiting for him to open the door! Good dog! As TJ and Lady ran out the front door an off duty fireman was running up our walkway. He had seen the fire and called 911. Then proceeded to run toward our burning house to make sure everyone was out! I have such admiration for the men and women who fight fire. They are selfless.

It took about 20 minutes before TJ’s hands stopped shaking enough to successfully open his contacts and tap my name and number to call me. In the meantime, he watched the fire take the house. He heard the explosion when the barbecue’s propane tank blew. He saw our trees go up in flames. He watched the firemen bravely climb the ladders to fight the fire from above…surrounded by flame and armed with firehose and water. He said it looked like they were fighting back the flames of hell.

I couldn’t find him. My friend had parked her car a couple blocks away and we walked up the street toward my burning home, looking for my husband. I didn’t see Him. I could see the news crew filming the fire. I could see parked cars and fire trucks and bystanders everywhere. I could see firefighters with their powerful hoses causing rivers of water to flow from our home and down the street. I could see my burning home but I couldn’t see TJ.  In that moment it occurred to me that he may have been taken to the hospital for burns or smoke inhalation. Finally, a friendly stranger pointed me in the right direction. TJ was about a block behind me, sitting in a lawn chair provided by a neighbor; holding onto our dog with a leash provided by a neighbor; drinking a bottled water that a neighbor had given him. I had walked right past him on the other side of the street. I went to him. Thank God! He was ok and his immediate needs had been met by neighbors we had never even met before that day.

From day one God has met all of our immediate needs. Before we even knew what we needed, God used people to provide it. Within the hour we were surrounded by family and friends as the news spread. Our kids brought food, water and toiletries when they came. They got our sizes and went to the store and bought a couple changes of clothes and undergarments for us. My daughter even bought makeup for me. The Red Cross gave us some more toiletries and information we would need for the days to come. The fire chief recommended the company we ended up hiring to help us with our contents (that is everything in the house). Our insurance was very responsive and immediately helpful. That night we checked into a hotel paid for by insurance, we showered and changed into clothes provided by our kids. (Clean and cared for). The next day insurance had already wired money to our account so we could purchase clothes and basic needs. (Rebuilding life). And most amazing of all, God had given TJ and I deep peace. Our home was gone. Our things burned or damaged by smoke and water. We had just lost virtually everything we owned and we had peace.

At first I wondered if we were in shock. But that wasn’t it. It was peace. Rest. We understood that we were both in the hands of God. He had protected us all the years we had lived with that poorly installed hot water heater! He protected our family. He protected our friends. We were living with a proverbial time-bomb from the day we bought the house and moved into it. We could clearly see God’s hand of protection at work over the years. And we knew that God would continue to take care of us in the months to come as we rebuild our life. He is working it all out for our good. From the very first day, we have received these good gifts from God. It has been nothing short of miraculous.

Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
[6] Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. [7] And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I intimately understand this verse for the first time in my life. I thought I understood it before. I didn’t.

Sometime in May I started wondering how I would handle the next really difficult season of life. Would I pass the test or fall back into ugly old habits? I didn’t know for sure. So I prayed and asked Jesus all my questions. I wanted to know the formula for remaining joyful during the storm. I wanted to prepare. Do you know what He has taught me? There is no formula! There is only God!  As I keep my eyes on Christ, the very thing that my soul longs to do, He becomes my portion and strength.  Jesus is my joy!  He has held me up through this disaster and I am able to stand because Christ actively lives in me.  He weaves together the circumstances to build my faith and help me trust Him more. Jesus satisfies my soul.  Every time I walk into that house, I leave covered with the ashes of what used to be my home…and yet I still have joy. It’s completely unbelievable…unless you believe in the God of miracles.

Isaiah 55:1-2 NIV
[1] “Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. [2] Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare.

John 7:37-38 NIV
[37] On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. [38] Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

If I had been focusing on a formula for joy, I wouldn’t have seen God working through the flames.  I would have only seen the flames.  I have joy because I have fallen in love with Jesus Christ and His love has changed me.

For years I have asked a consistent question of God: Why do I struggle with joy? I was a child when I was saved…I can’t even remember life before faith. But, for the majority of my adult life joy was elusive. I came to believe it was because of my personality type. But I still compared myself to my Christians friends. Joy just seemed to bubble up from their hearts. Not mine. Personality differences or not, I was perplexed by this. Life in Christ should be joyful.

When I started praying for joy last year, I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I just knew I was tired of feeling incomplete. Ten grueling months later, the Lord was able to break through my defenses and fill me with His joy. Since then He has been showing me that although I wanted joy, I was actually the one blocking it. He is helping me understand that there were layers of reasons why I had no joy in my Christian life. I was clinging to so many things that effectively created a barrier around my heart. This year, God has been bringing these sins to light and giving me choices to make: Repent, turn from my sin and receive freedom in Christ; or continue to embrace my sin and return to my old way of living.

I have already written about the first sin God opened my eyes to see in February (see: ‘Seeking Joy, Finding Rest’ 3/12/15). Following is the first of two more long-time sins that God has uncovered in me this past month.

When we were in ministry, it was important to both my husband and I that we did not drink. We wanted to be good witnesses for Christ. We have seen many things change in our country over the last 30 years and this is one of them: Today, most of our Christian friends drink moderately; 30 years ago, most did not and those who did were thought of as very worldly. TJ and I didn’t want anyone to see anything in us that could cause them to stumble in their walk with Jesus Christ, so we committed to an alcohol-free home and lifestyle.

Romans 14:15 NIV
[15] If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died.

Romans 14 has much to say about our freedom in Christ. Paul reminds us that God has made all things and the things He made are good. Paul acknowledges that there are Christians whose faith does not allow them certain freedoms. He tells the strong to bear with the weaknesses of others without condemning or arguing. The weak in turn should not argue with the one who is free, nor should they judge them.

When Paul wrote this, he was writing to a mixed audience of Christians. There were Jews and Gentiles both in the church at Rome. Gentile converts had abandoned their former religions when they accepted Christ. Other than not returning to idolatrous practices, they didn’t come with many restrictions in their belief system. The Jewish Christians however came from a ceremonial system of laws, with forbidden foods, sabbath-day worship, etc. Paul was convinced that nothing was unclean and he was open about his freedom in Christ. But instead of trying to convince people to embrace freedom like he had, he instructed the church to be gracious, treating one another with love. It is a matter of conscience and if a person’s conscience forbids a thing, arguing will not change their heart and mind. It will only cause anger and division.

Romans 14:14 NIV
[14] I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.

Before I continue, I want to be perfectly clear. These verses are speaking to matters of conscience. They are not referring to things that the Bible clearly teaches are sins. Matters of conscience are about things like eating, drinking and days of worship…not lust, greed, envy, murder, deceit, etc. Romans chapter 1 clearly outlines man’s sinful nature and the consequences of choosing to reject God’s moral law. A person in sin needs to receive words of warning in love. Matters of conscience need no warning, just grace.

I was perfectly ok with not drinking. Actually, it was a no-brainer for me. My parents never had to tell me not to drink. I just grew up knowing it was a bad idea from what I learned in my own family. Remember, my dad was an alcoholic before He met Christ. God freed him from the bonds of alcoholism the moment he was saved and he never drank another drop. 2 Corinthians 5:17 was my dad’s testimony, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” (NASB). My dad was not free to drink. For him it would have been a sin. Alcohol had taken hold of his life and Christ broke those chains. Jesus freed him of his addiction to alcohol. For dad it was much more than just a matter of conscience and he knew it. If he had chosen to drink he would have been rejecting the healing touch of Christ and returning to his old bottle.

Not long after we left the ministry, TJ and I changed our policy on drinking. We came to the conclusion that drinking in moderation is not forbidden. Although we found a number of warnings against drinking to excess, we found nothing in Scripture that said drinking alcohol is sinful in and of itself. Our rules included drinking in moderation and to continue being careful to never become a stumbling block to anyone who was not free to partake.

I was 24 when we made this decision. Life was crazy in the years after we left full time ministry. We went from survival mode where we were struggling to start over, to separation while TJ was in military training, to playtime in Germany, to TJ’s accident and the adjustments that came with that…then we started over again! All the while I was honing my skills in strength and control. In all those years I never took the time to wrestle with God over whether or not I was free to drink, personally. I understood what Scripture said, but at the same time I remembered my family history. I was uncertain if my decision had been right or wrong, I feared the possibility of losing control. I wasn’t walking in faith.

Romans 14:23 NIV
[23] But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

Although I never talked about it, for years, every time I drank my fears came to the surface. We didn’t drink often, but when we did, I was careful because the idea of losing control appalled me. I had an image to maintain. I should have taken the time to study it through and pray over my decision. Instead, I chose to ignore it. Bury it. All the while I stewed over my biggest fear of all, ‘Am I searing my conscience and hardening my heart against God?’ As it turns out, I was.

After God restored me so many years ago and rescued me from living life as a solitary island (see: Jesus Left the 99…, 3/22/15), you would think that I would have taken the time to figure out what I actually believed about drinking. I didn’t. I was busy, but no more than any other woman my age.  I just didn’t want to bring my choice to the Lord and place it in His hands.  We had been moderately drinking for about 10 years by this point.  I still wasn’t comfortable with it in my spirit and I knew it. However, I continued to exercise a freedom that I didn’t personally have. I also continued to ignore it. Bury it. The difference this time around was that I eventually got to the point where I pretty much stopped worrying about it. There were many times when I would get through a meal without even a thought. It had become a non-issue. I was comfortable.

Galatians 5:16-18 NIV
[16] So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. [17] For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. [18] But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

When something slowly becomes a non-issue, that’s not an indicator it has become ok. Being comfortable is not a sign that your conscience is clean.

When I was an island I exercised self-control because part of the persona I had created included being a good girl. I needed to look good on the outside. When Christ rescued me from my island, He opened my eyes. He showed me that my control was only an illusion. My strength only pushed God away. He helped me see that although people are messy, getting involved in their lives is good. He called me to serve Him when He stirred my heart for ministry again. And I did! I served Him with all my heart from that day forward. However, when I look back over 25+ years, with the eyes I have today, I clearly see that I was more careful with alcohol in the 10 years as an island than in the last 16 years of serving God. I’ve never been drunk, but on a few occasions I crossed my personal line.

I’ve spent much time this month both seeking God’s will in this and in searching my own motives. Why would I ever have pushed the boundary? Why would I have never taken the time to become convinced of what I believe? Why didn’t I trust God in this? Because I wasn’t walking in the Spirit. In this area of my life I was walking in my own pathetic strength. Today I can say with confidence that ‘I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus…’.  But, until God brought me to my knees I wasn’t willing to listen to His voice and trust Him.

I don’t think that I am the only person to have ignored a thing long enough to become comfortable with it. I believe human nature does this all the time! But, as Christians, we have to remember that our human nature is in direct opposition to the Spirit of God within us. If you know there is something in your life that you’re doing outside of faith, if you are choosing to bury your fears about it, please stop and take it to the foot of the Cross. Give it to Jesus and seek Him.  Trust God, remembering that He only gives good gifts to His children (Luke 11:9-13; James 1:13-18). Believe me when I say, there is no peace in doing your own thing. You may become comfortable, but there is never rest.

I am so thankful that God was able to break through my defenses this year. His joy is my air!  His discipline is painful, but I believe that God disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12:4-11).  I remember what I was before this year and I welcome His discipline if it means the cleansing of my heart.  God’s refining touch is indescribable.  His touch is freedom to my soul.

Tenth Avenue North has a song called ‘Don’t Stop the Madness’. In December this song was comforting to me because I was going through so much pain and chaos and I recognized God’s touch in it.  He brought me to my knees and I pleaded with Him to finish His work.  Today this song makes me smile with joy because I finally understand:

There’s a beggar down inside of me,
Standing on the corner of Your street.
And my shame is my only company.
Could use some cash but can’t admit my need,
For what You’ve got and what I could receive.
I need Your love to come and break the silence.

Well all I hear is what they’re selling me,
That God is love, He isn’t suffering.
And what you need’s a little faith and prosperity.
But oh my God I know there’s more than this.
If You promise pain it can’t be meaningless.
So make me poor if that’s the price for freedom.

Don’t stop the madness, don’t stop the chaos,
Don’t stop the pain inside of me.
Do whatever it takes to give me Your heart,
And bring me down to my knees, Lord.

Jeremiah 29:13 NIV
[13] You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Romans 15:13 NIV
[13] May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Since February, God has been redefining a few things in my life. He’s helping me understand His grace. Not only to understand, but to see the depth of His grace…how far He is willing to go to restore His children.  I worried that when the joyful feeling faded I wouldn’t know how to get it back. He has shown me that His joy is so much deeper than a feeling. His joy is always present because His presence is ever with me. Inside me. Not separate from me. God is showing me His strength which is so much greater than my own ineffective strength.  When I’m tempted to fall back into the old familiar habits, and trust what I used to trust, He patiently reminds me to trust His Word and rest in Him.

God is showing me all of these things about His rich character, while at the same time uncovering my sin. He’s opening my eyes to see things I thought were dealt with years ago. Things I’ve done that I didn’t even realize had become a barrier between God and I. He is showing me exactly why joy was so elusive in my life.

I never thought I’d hear myself admit this to anyone, but lately I am finding that I can relate to Alice in Wonderland! I can’t stand that story and it honestly has nothing to do with sharing her name. Let’s just say that I have never been able to appreciate the nonsensical fantasy contained within the pages of the book. However, the phrase ‘Curiouser and curiouser!’ keeps coming to mind as I think over the last few weeks. It has been curiouser and curiouser to me that God can fill me with His Spirit and give me joy even while I still have sin in my life. I don’t see how the two can be compatible. However, the Holy Spirit keeps filling me with joy and, as I seek more of Christ, He is also opening my eyes to see myself clearly. Selfishness. Pride. Self righteousness. I find myself wondering how much more hidden sin there is left to be exposed.

I must admit, my dislike of Alice in Wonderland comes solely from the Disney version of the story…I’ve never actually read the book. I tried once, but couldn’t even get through the first chapter, I found it so ridiculous! So, when the phrase ‘curiouser and curiouser’ kept coming to mind this month, I was compelled to google it. I knew it was Alice who said it…I just didn’t know what crazy happenstance caused her to utter it. When I read it in context I was surprised to find that I actually related to her! Here’s the quote: ““Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English). “Now I’m opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!” (for when she looked down at her feet they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off).”

Oddly enough, that excerpt pretty adequately describes these past four weeks of blog silence! Of course I’m not literally opening out like the largest telescope that ever was…I am merely being stretched as God cleans house! While I have been struggling to understand it all, I too seem to have quite forgotten how to (write) good English!

Every time I think God must be done peeling away layers of my heart that reveal another never-before-dealt-with-sin, He peels away yet another layer to reveal another sin. When I prayed for joy last year, I had no idea I was praying for all of this!  It makes perfect sense though. What is it that separates man from God? Sin. What is it that keeps the Christian from experiencing the fullness of God in his or her life? Sin. How is it possible that I could call myself a Christian my entire life and have virtually no joy? Sin.

It’s easy to become complacent in our Christian life and think that everything’s fine spiritually. For years I thought I was fine, although I knew I had no joy. Each time God opens my eyes to personal sin, I see a little more clearly how a born again Christian can spend her lifetime with little to no joy. As disorienting as this process has been, I am so thankful for it! Head knowledge tells me that I can’t make myself clean, so of course I have to come to Jesus just as I am, sin and all! It is only through the cleansing Blood of Jesus Christ that my sin is washed clean. I believe this to be true.  But knowing something and experiencing it are two very different things. It is an awesome and fearful thing to come before a holy God when you understand how unclean you really are.

Over the last four weeks I have started and failed to complete three separate blog posts. The one you are now reading is my fourth. I’m pretty sure I still need to finish the other three, but I think I have come to understand that their order was all mixed up.

Last month I planned to write about doubt…specifically the very first time I doubted God. As Christians, we don’t easily admit our doubts. We often just hold it in and hope for it to pass quickly. I wanted to share my story to be an encouragement to you. But every time I sat down to write it became a jumbled, incoherent disaster. I remember how profoundly that doubt effected me. It felt horrible. It shook me to the core. But, I couldn’t remember what had happened in my life to create the seed of doubt in the first place. That seemed like a critical piece of the story, so I began to pray.

God answered my prayer by opening my eyes to the state of my spiritual condition at the time of my first doubt. It quickly became crystal clear why I struggled to write the doubt blog…there was a bigger issue that needed to be dealt with first. I thought that old struggle was long gone, but He helped me see that it was still quite raw. Never dealt with. After a bit of arguing with God, I started to write. It was much harder to write than the doubt blog had been, because I became vulnerable in the process. Exposed. If I were only writing to Jesus that would have been much easier. I pour out my heart when it’s just Him and me. But, these blogs have two purposes. First, they are an exercise that God is using to refine me. Second, they are written for you. I write in hopes of encouraging you in your faith. I want you to know that you’re not alone. Although our daily lives may differ, you and I have likely dealt with the very same fears and failings. Our struggles are universal. King Solomon said it clearly when he wrote, “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” –Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NIV). We have common struggles. But, that knowledge didn’t make writing the blog any easier. It is a bitter pill to swallow when God asks you to do something that makes you feel vulnerable.

While I was wresting with God over this sin that had been brewing for 25 years, He uncovered another layer. He opened my eyes to my core identity…a persona that I have developed over a lifetime. A deficiency in my character that kept me from experiencing the fullness of Christ. This, it seems, is the most difficult lesson yet.

Please forgive me for being so vague. I didn’t start today’s blog with the intent of digging into my three half-written blogs. I merely wanted to introduce them. I think I needed to put some accountability in place because to be perfectly honest, I am still quite struggling to write good English about all of it! Articulating the things God has shown me this month is proving to be difficult. Frankly, to grasp exactly how to change who I have been for literally a lifetime is…well, it’s not easy. I pray for understanding. Wisdom. I pray that my will melts away and becomes His will…quickly! (…Perhaps I should pray for patience too).  This is an uncomfortable place. It feels like I’m standing on the edge of a precipice and God is asking me to let go of what I have always trusted to be steady in my life and trust Him instead. I hear Him saying, repent and turn away from your sin, child. Leave it behind. Don’t look back. Jump into my arms!  I clearly see my own righteousness for what it is…filthy rags! I don’t want it anymore.  God, why is it so difficult to submit to you?

In case you haven’t picked up on this, my Christian life has been easy for a very long time. Too easy. Too long. God is seeing me ‘throughly’, as my dad used to say. God’s sight is not simply thorough. He sees through us, right through to our deepest being. He sees each layer that tries to hide our sin and fears. God ‘throughly’ sees us, so He can thoroughly cleanse us. My prayer is that God will continue to do whatever needs doing, to make me like Jesus.

Isaiah 64:6 NIV
[6] All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Titus 3:4-7 NIV
[4] But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, [5] he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, [6] whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, [7] so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

P.S.
A couple days ago I was doing my devotions when those stupid old thoughts of doubt came to mind again. I had to stop and pray and give them to Jesus and ask Him to help me focus. He did! I had such an amazing morning with the Lord. Then on my way to work He played song after song on the radio, tailored just for me! Songs that reminded of God’s grace and my future with Him. In light of all the sin that the Holy Spirit has been bringing to my attention this month, the words He sang into my soul that morning brought comfort and peace and rest. By the time Flawless, by MercyMe played, tears were streaming down my face and I had to check my makeup at the next stop light!  God is so beautiful to me.

An excerpt from Flawless, by MercyMe:

Could it possibly be that we simply can’t believe
That this unconditional kind of love would be enough to
Take a filthy wretch like this and wrap him up in righteousness?
Well that’s exactly what He did!

I am supremely aware of God’s love for me and it will never cease to amaze me! It is so easy to feel small in this great big universe. As I look at the stars in the sky, I know that I am utterly insignificant. In this world…I am only one of more than 7 billion people living on our planet today. Why would I stand out in a crowd? Am I somebody special in this country? This state? Even when I consider my life in this city where we’ve chosen to put down roots, I am one person in a city of more than 210,000 people. If I personally knew even 1000 of these people (and I don’t believe I do) my calculator app tells me that my influence is so small in this city that it is 0%. It seems that anything less than 1% is considered so insignificant that it is valued at zero on my calculator. (I guess if it went out a few more decimals, It might give me a little hope…but it was a free app).  Some days I just feel small. Some days my life’s impact feels insignificant. My influence limited. My importance…well, less than important. But, I know that God has never felt that way about me! Time and again He has proven His love for me. Personally. Intimately. God loves me and that brings a smile to my face. That knowledge gives me purpose.

In the Bible, there’s a neat little story about another seemingly insignificant person. It’s easy to miss this story because it’s only 7 verses long and Mark is the only Gospel writer who highlights this unnamed man. The story goes like this (…the following is in my words. I encourage you to also read it in your Bible, Mark 7:31-37 and cross reference Matthew 15:29-31 to see the larger picture).

An insignificant man’s encounter with Jesus:

One day when Jesus was traveling with his disciples to the Sea of Galilee and into the region of the Decapolis, crowds began to gather around Him. People always found Jesus wherever He went. They knew that this man, Jesus, was special. Most people didn’t comprehend why He was special, but they had heard about His miraculous power. So they came in droves to see Jesus. They came to be healed…came to listen to Him speak. Came to find out if He was for real. At very least they came out of curiosity. This day near the Ten Cities was no different.

As the crowds were gathering, some people brought a man to Jesus who was in desperate need of healing. He was deaf and as a result could hardly speak. He was isolated from the bustling world around him because he couldn’t effectively communicate. There wasn’t any help for a person who was not whole. If the disabled had no one to care for their needs, they would have to beg if they wanted the chance to eat. This man was blessed to have friends who cared enough to beg for him. They begged Jesus to place His hand on the man. They believed that Jesus’ touch would heal him.

Jesus saw the man and had compassion. He led him away from the crowd to touch and heal him personally. Since the man could not hear, Jesus put His fingers in his ears, as if to say without saying a word, “I will heal your deaf ears.” Then He touched the man’s tongue with His own saliva to loosen and prepare it for speech. After this, Jesus looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh He said “Be opened!” Immediately the man could hear and speak plainly. The man and his friends were so excited about this miracle that they told everyone about it, even though Jesus instructed them to keep it quiet. The crowd was amazed and word continued to spread about Jesus.

When this unnamed man first met Jesus he likely felt utterly insignificant in the crowd that was gathering. He had absolutely nothing to offer Jesus. He was unable to praise Him with his tongue or tell others about Him. He couldn’t even listen to Jesus teach. He came only with his need. He was just one of many people who needed the healing touch of Jesus that day. He had to wonder what would make him stand out so that Jesus would take notice of him. But Jesus did not see this man as insignificant. He looked at him through eyes of love and compassion. He took him away from the crowd and to a place where He could give him personal attention.

As the man followed Jesus he must have wondered what would happen next. Did he expect such an intimate touch? Jesus spit on his fingers and proceeded to touch the man’s tongue!  Okay, I’m fully aware that this level of intimacy would be completely gross to most people.  Think about it for a moment! First of all, most of us have our personal space and we believe that space should never be invaded unless we allow it. If we happen to allow someone inside our ‘bubble’ we still have our limits. (The hug that lasts just a little too long, for instance…makes us very uncomfortable). Secondly, everyone knows today that other people’s germs can make us sick. So, I have to ask, would you allow Jesus to spit in your mouth? This man was deaf, not blind.  He saw what was happening and he allowed Jesus to spit in his mouth. He trusted Jesus. When it comes to our relationship with Christ, we have to let down our guard and allow Him in…even if it’s uncomfortable. Jesus wants an intimate relationship with us. We can’t inflict our personal space on God! Not if we want a thriving relationship with Him.

Jesus spoke to the deaf-mute man through action. He put His fingers in the man’s ears, He moistened his tongue with saliva and He sighed as He spoke healing. “Ephphatha!” – Be opened! When I read this, I picture Jesus’ warm breath touching the face of the man who could not physically hear the word. He likely felt the breath of God as Jesus sighed. How beautiful is that?! Then, in less time than it took for the man’s excited heart to beat again, he could hear sounds and speak words…clearly. The man was overjoyed! Jesus’ touch had given him a new life.

Has Jesus’ touch given you new life? Are you a new creation because of what Christ has done in you? Or are you still the same person you were before inviting Him into your life? Has His touch changed your life or are you the same old person but with a Christian sign around your neck? Jesus’ touch changes lives! If you know deep down that you have not allowed Him to change you, then I encourage you to seek Him. Jeremiah 29:13 promises us that we will find God when we seek Him with all our heart.  I know this promise to be true.

No matter how small you feel, you are not insignificant in the eyes of God. This life in Christ has never been about what you have to offer Him. If that were the case, you would be insignificant. Just one in 7 billion. You would have to be pretty extraordinarily special to stand out in a crowd of 7 billion! No, Jesus sees you. He loves you. He died for you. All you need to do is come to Him as you are. Jesus Christ will take you aside from the crowd and breathe words of healing into your soul, personally. Intimately. Eyes ‘be opened!’ to the sin you are clinging to that separates you from Me. Ears ‘be opened!’ to hear my Word. Tongue ‘be opened!’ to speak my Truth. Heart ‘be opened!’ to being filled up and overflowing with my Spirit and joy. Mind be stayed on Me. Hands be useful. Feet be beautiful. Life be changed.

I never saw it this way before February. In hindsight I realize that for me it was all about works. When I was obedient, I felt special.  When I was not working, I felt insignificant. Unworthy. But since Jesus filled me in February, I’ve been learning what it means to trust Him.  When He cut me in December, I learned the meaning of surrender (see My Journey to Joy, 2/23/15). However, I recognized His touch in the pain. I allowed Him to spit in my mouth, so to speak.  I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I also questioned what He was doing! I cried out to Him…this wasn’t even remotely what I thought I had been praying for! But, after a lifetime of effectively being deaf and dumb before God, a life without joy, I understood that I had to allow Him to break my heart before I could receive His healing touch. Until I was willing to surrender my pain, there was no room in my heart for lasting joy.  I still believe that faith without works is dead (James 2:20). However I’m finding that the joy of the Lord is my strength.  Faith and works makes sense to me now because they both come from the overflow of my heart.

You may not be blind to sin in your life that keeps you from an intimate relationship with Christ..I pray that you’re not! My hope for you is that you are walking with Jesus and that His life within you is changing you daily. But if, like me, you realize that the opposite is true, please seek Him with all your heart. Let him in. Accept His intimate touch, even if it is the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever endured.  You are not insignificant in His sight.  You ARE one in 7 billion and He sees you.  Jesus is the lover of your soul, He wants to fill you to overflowing.

2 Peter 3:14-15 NIV
[14] So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him. [15] Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation, just as our dear brother Paul also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him.

So you thought you had to keep this up,
All the work that you do so we think that your good.
And you can’t believe it’s not enough.
All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside.
So let them fall down…
This is where the healing begins.
–Excerpts from the song Healing Begins, by Tenth Avenue North.

I recently studied 1 & 2 Peter with a few ladies in an online Bible study. As I was reading the final chapter, the verses above jumped off the page at me. Over the last three months of writing this blog, I have been stumbling to adequately express what God’s grace means to me today. On the one hand, His grace has always meant everything to me, because I know that I would be lost without it! But the fact is that I am just now beginning to really understand God’s grace as I experience it anew, in the Joy of the Lord.

Before I continue, I must say I honestly never planned to write about my specific doctrinal beliefs in this blog. But, I don’t know how to share my thoughts about grace without first telling you a little bit about what I believe. You need to know where I’m coming from in order to understand why Grace is such an amazing revelation to me at this point in my life.

I come from a Wesleyan background and have always fully embraced this doctrine.  This means I follow the teachings of  John Wesley.  He taught free will and the importance of working out your salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12) because it is possible to chose to reject Christ and renounce your Christian Faith (Hebrews 6:4-6).  The opposite view was taught by John Calvin.  Basically, he taught that God chose ahead of time those who would be saved and that nothing, not even a person’s will, can separate the chosen soul from God’s salvation (Romans 8:29, 38-39).  Please note, I am well aware that this is an oversimplified statement of these two major (and opposing) doctrines of the Christian Faith…there is much more to each. However, my purpose today isn’t to debate theology, but to share my testimony. If you want more, I would encourage you to study it for yourself to decide what you believe.

So, in a nutshell, I believe in free will and I do not believe that God chooses some to be saved and others to be damned. I believe that as a Christian I can chose to reject Jesus Christ if for some reason I change my heart and mind and decide that everything I’ve ever believed is a lie. I do not believe in eternal security as it relates to having no choice in the matter of faith.

I know I will be stepping on a few toes when I say this…but here goes.  I personally believe there is great benefit to growing up under Wesleyan teaching, but I can also see a few pitfalls as it relates to how one might apply these teachings to their life.  Let me explain.  Wesley never taught that you have to ‘pull up your bootstraps’ and do all the work in your own strength. But somehow, as it relates to my life, that was basically the lesson I learned.  Growing up under Wesleyan teaching, I learned to ‘study to show myself approved by God’ (2 Tim. 2:15). Don’t just read the Bible, study it. Know what you believe. Apply it to your life. Work hard.

I have always known that I wasn’t working my way into heaven. It was Jesus who saved me when I repented of my sin and put my faith in Him. His death on the Cross paid my debt for sin. His sacrifice is the reason I am going to heaven, not hell.  It is the Holy Spirit in me who shines light on Truth and refines me with it.  However, because of my Wesleyan beliefs, I also knew that I could walk away if I chose to do so.  So, I was very young when I started working hard to keep my faith strong. That’s why I have always had a deep rooted need to control my actions, my words, my life and everything associated with it. This is also why I felt so completely alone and literally lost when God opened my eyes to how far I had wandered away from Him (see: Who do I Trust, 3/29/15).

Now that you know what I believe, let me tell you why 2 Peter 3:14-15 jumped off the page at me.  When I read these verses, two things happened. First I heard that old familiar ‘amen’ slip through my lips as I read “So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this (the new heaven and new earth), make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him (God).”  Effort? Yeah! I’m qualified to do that. I am that Christian who works hard to know and live what I believe. Piece o’ cake!! Then verse 15 broke my train of thought as it spoke directly to my heart, “Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation…”

The Lord’s patience means salvation. When God is patient, people are saved.

2 Peter 3:9 tells us that it is not God’s will that any should perish, but that all would come to repentance. All I could think was, “God, You were patient with me! When I was walking away from You, God, You were patient with me.” God was patient with ME…and God’s patience meant my salvation.

I reread those verses a few times and just sat there thinking about it…letting it sink in. God allowed me to chose sin for a season and He was patient. When I was desperately trying to hold my family together in my own strength, God was patient. When I shoved Him aside, so I could control my crumbling world, God was patient. When I walked far, far away from Him and lived my pseudo-Christian life without Him, God was patient. In His perfect, patient timing He opened my eyes to see what I had become. In His patience, He disciplined me by allowing me to literally fear for my soul for months as I tried to figure out how to find my way back to Him.  (See: Jesus Left the 99 to Find Me, 3/22/15).

If God hadn’t made me aware of my condition, would I have regressed to the point where I could have thrown away my faith and rejected God? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I’d like to say ‘no’, but that possibility isn’t outside the realm of what I believe to be true.  What I know is this, I secretly prayed that I wouldn’t die while I was searching for Him. I also know that for the first time in my life I was afraid to face eternity.

I don’t know what would have happened had I continued walking the path I was on, but I do know that God patiently waited for me. He was not only patient with me, He kept His eye on me. He knew where I was every single moment of my disobedience. He knew what I was doing and what I was refusing to do.  Jesus saw my sin and He pursued me anyway. He never let me go, even while He allowed me the freedom to stray. His patience changed the direction of my life. God’s patience changed me. I am so thankful for His patience.

I think what floors me is God’s unconditional love for me. I am His child and have been since I was literally a child. I knew better than to stray. My parents taught me that lesson very young…don’t wander away from mom and dad or you’ll get lost!  That lesson applies with God too.  I knew my actions were wrong but I chose them anyway. I chose not to trust God.  I deliberately said ‘no’ to Him time after time. Each time allowing that little two-letter word to harden my heart a little bit more. Jesus did nothing to deserve this from me. Yet He never stopped loving me.  I am loved by many, but no other love compares to the love of God.

Audio Adrenaline has a song called “Leaving 99”. The bridge says:
You’re never too far down, I promise you’ll be found.
I’ll reach into the mud, the miry clay.
Pursue you to the end, like a faithful friend.
Nothing in this world can keep Me away.

THAT is what I didn’t understand about God’s grace. It’s been nearly two decades since God started teaching me lessons about His grace.  I thought I was understanding. However, it’s only been this this year that I am finally accepting it and allowing it to wash over me…to change me.

When you work so hard to be so good it’s easy to misunderstand the Grace of God.  Even when your purpose behind working so hard is a desire to never disappoint Jesus, it’s easy to become self-righteous.  I find it very easy to stand in my own strength when I am the one working so hard to maintain my faith.  What I find difficult is allowing God to do all of this for me.  This has become my daily prayer, that I will continue to willingly give God control of my life.

When I was 16 years old and heard God’s call to ministry, I never in my wildest imagination would have thought I could have wandered away from God like a dumb sheep. But that’s exactly what I did just eight years later.  I didn’t set out to leave God, I had only left the ministry.  But that act was the first step of a journey that would take me far away from the God I loved. By my actions, I turned my back on God. When I chose to listen to my own wisdom, I was rejecting His counsel. When I refused help of any kind, I was refusing His comfort.  When I was strong in myself, I was weak in God.  Mike Donehey (lead singer of Tenth Avenue North) said it well when he said,  “…you know what’s beautiful about a Redeemer? The only thing you can be too much (of) for Him, is too strong.  The only thing that keeps you from Jesus tonight is thinking you don’t need Him.”  (Quote from Celebrate Freedom concert, Atlanta, GA, 2014).  My strength is my greatest weakness before God.  It is the thing that most often comes between us.

So, that is where I was when God met me so many years ago.  Strong. Alone. Scared. Tired.  It’s funny, I feel like I learn so much on this journey I’m on with Christ.  I knew so much more when I was 24 than I knew when I was 16.  But, I would have done well to listen to my 16-year old self.  I think ‘she’ would have saved me a lot of heartache!

Have you wandered away from God?  Are you fearful at the thought of facing eternity? Please know that God is patiently waiting for you. But you should also know that it’s not wise to test His patience.  You might be successfully hiding your rebellion from people, just like I did.  But, you are most certainly not hiding it from God.  He is patient, but you are definitely choosing the more difficult path!  You need to know that God’s patience doesn’t mean that He will simply sit back and passively watch.  No, God will do whatever it takes to bring you back into the fold.  I can confidently tell you that the longer you ignore the warnings of God, the harder your heart will become.  The harder your heart gets, the more extreme God’s discipline has to be to open your eyes to your sin and bring you to a place of repentance.

Lastly, I plead with you to consider this question:  What will happen if you harden your heart and continue to ignore the discipline of God?

There are so many things that we do not talk about as Christians. Things we worry about. Regrets we bury. Fears we swallow. So many doubts, failures, shame and disappointments. Often we go to church on Sunday and put on our happy faces, never letting others in on the deep wounds we carry around with us everyday. We prefer to look like we’ve got it all together, complete with the smiles on our faces!

Why do we do that?

I’m participating in an online Bible study right now. It’s a first for me. I’ve led or participated in many studies over the years, but never a Bible study on Facebook!  When I was tagged in this Bible study group, I have to admit I was a little doubtful. It sounded so impersonal. What about the small group discussions? Who’s the leader? What if someone gets completely off point or spouts heresy…who will draw the group back to the truth of scripture? I was doubtful…but also curious, so I joined. I am happy I did! The ladies involved all love God and just want to know Jesus better. We are sharpening each other even without the face-to-face interaction.

Recently, one of the ladies wrote, “…when I’m in my hard (times) will I remember to ask God how He is loving me through my trial? Because that’s what I forget to do the most.”  I loved that question. I loved that confession. It cut to the heart of the matter. We put on our happy faces and chose not to talk to others about our fears and failures. We often don’t even seek to understand God’s love during the trial, because we’re so busy worrying that we don’t stop to pray…nor do we ask others to help us pray.  We need to open up more.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll just be tempted to ‘pull up your bootstraps’ and deal with things alone. If you have one or two people you love and trust, you may eventually open up to them…but not until you’re ready. That, my friend, is the recipe for becoming an island…that person who is all alone in the sea of humanity. I know that person. I’ve been that person. That person puts on her happy face in church and doesn’t tell others about the pain she’s feeling. That person is a horrible, lonely thing to become.

Confession. We know we have to confess our sins to God. But did you know God’s Word tells us to also confess our sins to other believers? “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” –James 5:16 (NIV)

The independent person believes it’s easier to just handle their problems alone. The planner is good at figuring out how to dig out from under the problem. The prayer warrior will see the importance of praying through the problem (but will you ask others to pray with you?). These are all strengths, but if you stand on your own strength alone, you will forfeit the blessing that comes with confession. God’s healing.

Tenth Avenue North has a song called Healing Begins. Their lead singer, Mike Donehey, did a video journal to explain the song and the verse in James that inspired it. (If you’re curious, you can find this and other videos on YouTube). Mike says that confessing to God is easy.  As long as it’s just Jesus and me, that’s fine. But as soon as we start talking about confessing to others, that’s when we start freaking out. Then he asks the question, “Are we really more scared to tell our sins to people than to God?” The answer seems to be yes.  When we confess to God it almost feels like it’s pretend, like we’re praying to a “character in the air.” But when there is flesh on the person we’re talking to, and we start exposing our sin face to face, that’s a very different thing. That makes us vulnerable. It suddenly becomes obvious that we cannot save ourselves, no matter how hard we try to be good. Whether we realize it or not, we all tend to struggle with the desire to save ourselves by making positive changes and good choices. But, that doesn’t save us.

When we make ourselves vulnerable to another person, we become transparent. Transparency helps us to see the depth of our need.  What we need is a Savior who has the power to clean us up and present us as righteous before a Holy God. We need the healing that James 5:16 tells us about.

I believe this healing is multifaceted. I am personally experiencing healing in many areas of my life, as a direct result of the joy God is pouring into me and the sins I have confessed to Him (…and to you through these blogs). But, I found one of Mike’s assertions to be very intriguing. He said that when we confess to another person, perhaps the healing we receive is healing from trying to be our own savior. He says we often get it in our head that we can’t tell others about our failures because we believe the lie that we have to make up for our sin. We try to get better on our own and prove to everyone that were not a mess. Mike says the problem with that is, we will never get free (from our sin), because we have this sneaking suspicion that to be loved is to be known fully and yet loved in spite of our ourselves. He goes on to say that religion tells us that we have to obey and do good things to (earn our salvation). But the Gospel tells us that we’ve already been accepted because of what Jesus did for us.  He have hope in Christ!

I said in my last blog that I’m starting from scratch. This life I’m living with Jesus looks different today than it did before this year.  I’m much more like my 16-year old self again!  Full of faith.  In love with Jesus.  Excited to serve Him.  Joyful.  However, at 16, I was quite shy…not so much today!  Other things in my life are very much the same today.  Through the years, I have always believed in the truth of God’s Word and incorporated those truths into my daily life.  Being good has been important to me for as long as I can remember…it still is.  Prayer has always been a natural part of me…even when I was running from God I was talking to Him constantly.  Yes, I am even a mystery to myself sometimes!

So, I’ve been an open book for nearly 20 years, since God restored me, making me face the fact that I had become an island. I thought I was opening up and being vulnerable every time I shared my testimony with people.  I wasn’t sparing any of the details, I was sharing my failures and God’s keeping power.  But, I realize today that I was only sharing my past and the lessons I had had learned through past failure.  I wasn’t confessing current failures, fears and sins. Whenever I was in the midst of a storm I didn’t open up to anyone before I was ready to talk about it. When I failed to obey God, I didn’t go around telling others about it. When I sinned, I certainly didn’t confess it to flesh and blood people!  One notable exception might be last year’s confession to the retreat ladies that I couldn’t teach on joy because I had none (see Trusting God with My heart, 3/1/15).  But, honestly if I hadn’t been responsible to prepare a study on joy, I probably wouldn’t have confessed my utter lack of joy that day.  Looking back, I am so thankful that God used that event in my life to lead me to joy!

My prayer today is that God will heal this independence in me. That He will humble me and remove my pride, giving me the strength to take off the happy face and the courage to confess my sins to other believers so that I may be healed.  I pray that I will really begin to believe that I am accepted because of what Jesus did for me on the cross.  That I will stop putting so much faith in my own ability to be good!  I pray all this for you as well.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

This week, something quite amazing happened to me. But before I tell you about it, please allow me to set the stage. I was having a hard time writing this week’s blog. My thoughts were disjointed. My emotions were scattered. You see, I had been reading the news and therein lies the problem! My emotional response, to the news I read, was anger and sadness. I felt remorse. Every time I sat down to write, I found myself blathering on about what was on my mind. But that’s not the point of this blog…at least not right now. So I would write and my thoughts would abruptly stall because I had no answers to what is going on in our broken world! Well, actually, my answer to the problems of the world is Jesus. But the world doesn’t want to believe that He is the answer to their pain.

So, it has been an unsettling week. My normal response to negative emotion is to bury it. That would be why I created that secret heart-chamber in the first place…to stow away all my pain. I’m a laid back person…an analytical thinker. Some may call me stoic. I love reason. I love answers. I love peace. What I don’t love is the emotional roller coaster. Whenever I find myself on that ride it just drives me to distraction! So, I try to redirect my thoughts. But, that is easier said than done when the things I’m reading cause me such heightened emotion.

This week wasn’t an emotional roller coaster. But since I’ve received the joy of the Lord, I have been more in tune with my feelings. Over the past couple months the primary emotion has been joy. So last week’s negative emotions certainly didn’t miss my attention. I kept finding myself asking God if having His joy means that I will feel these other things with more intensity. My anger felt like righteous anger. My sadness felt like what Jesus must feel when the world rejects His love. The remorse I felt was conviction over never standing up to defend the weak. These feelings were equally as intense as the joy has been.

The reason I started this blog was to help me sort out this newfound joy. To understand this gift that God is giving me and to share the journey with you. It occurred to me this week that after a lifetime of calling myself a Christian, I have never learned to effectively deal with my emotions! I just chose to ignore them, but that isn’t the same as dealing with them. For some reason I do not easily receive God’s comfort and strength in the difficult times. I pray for it, but I don’t take what is offered.

I’ve written quite a bit about the pain I was trying to hide from God. I used to think I was so strong. But, I’m beginning to see that what I used to call strength was really just a lie that I told myself. I have to tell you, I’m starting from scratch here! Somehow I’ve gotten to this point in life and I am just now learning how to give Jesus my fears. I love to study His Word. I can trust that He will provide for our needs. I can even obey when He asks me to stand in front of a crowd of people and speak. But, I have never been able to trust Him with my feelings…that was my domain and mine alone.

Throughout the week I kept seeing and hearing this verse: “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” –Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

I have always loved that verse.  However, I’m just realizing now that I have never known this particular strength. At least not to this degree, because my own inner strength got in the way of the strength God had for me!

So, now I’m ready to tell you the amazing thing that happened this week.

Every day at work I listen to Christian music on my iPad. When I got to work on Monday, I realized I had forgotten to charge it overnight…it was down to 12%. That wouldn’t have lasted long! So, I pulled out my cell phone. My iPad only has my favorite music, but I have my entire collection of Christian music on my cell…from Petra to Tenth Avenue North!  So, I decided to tap the first song on the list and just let it play alphabetically.

By lunchtime, I was still listening to songs beginning with the letter A. I sat down at the little table in my office and put my earbuds in. It had been a busy morning, so I just wanted to relax and play a game while I listened to music. I wanted to shut out the world beyond my office door.

The second song that played was called All Our Wishes, by Phil Keaggy. As the first notes played I knew I would soon be crying. He wrote the words of this song after he and his wife lost a baby. It’s a powerful song. It’s a questioning song. There is no resolution to this song. No comfort. He just sings the pain of the conversations they had with God and each other after their baby died. Every time I hear this song I cry…Monday was no different. I dabbed my tears with a tissue and hoped no one would walk in. In a moment, this song had brought me back to the day my grandson was stillborn. I remembered the pain I felt. I was again seeing the pain in my son’s eyes as he walked into the waiting room where my husband and I were sent to wait. I relived the feeling of my grown-up son crying in our arms as we tried to comfort him. There is no pain like the one you feel for your child as he or she grieves. And it doesn’t matter if it’s in the moment or in the memory…this pain cuts deep.

I was barely to the chorus before I looked up, shook my head and told myself not to go there! My old pull-up-those-bootstraps routine! Immediately I realized that if I were to push down the pain and change the song, I would be recreating that secret chamber in my heart. This particular pain would have been my first deposit. That chamber has a voracious appetite…it consumes every discomfort that I am willing to offer it. That scared me. I don’t want to become an island again. I don’t want to keep secrets from God. I don’t want this fire in me to die.

I left the song playing while I cried and prayed. I shut down the game and opened up my Bible app…and I realized I had no idea where to go to find comfort.

I use this app all the time on my iPad, but it was the first time I had opened it on my cell. So it opened up to Genesis 1:1…in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…I love the story of creation, but it’s not necessarily comforting. So, I decided to scroll through the books of the Bible and immediately the Psalms came to mind. You wouldn’t know it with all the song lyrics I’ve written into my blogs, but I really don’t prefer to read poetry. It’s too fluffy. Abstract. Poetry is subject to interpretation and I’m a black and white thinker. I’m drawn to truth and logic, not poetic idealism. Don’t get me wrong, I know that the Psalms are packed full of truth! But they are written in a style that I don’t tend to read for enjoyment. I don’t often find myself drawn to the Psalms. Monday I was drawn to the Psalms.

Now, I would never recommend this approach, but since I was entering uncharted territory, I had no idea what chapter to read. So, I literally spun the wheel and tapped my finger on the screen to get it to stop before it hit the 150th chapter.  The digital version of randomly opening the Bible and pointing to a verse!  It stopped on Psalm 33. This was exactly the message I needed to hear from God.

The first verse says “Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise Him.” A reminder to praise God in the midst of my tears…very good!  A few verses later God reminded me that “the Word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of His unfailing love.” This caused me to think of the news I had been reading. It reminded me that even when all I see is sin and injustice, I can rest in the knowledge that the Word of the Lord is right and true and the earth is FULL of His unfailing love. God is not absent. He’s not a quiet observer. He is active and moving. I can trust that no matter what, He is in control.

After understanding these two beautiful lessons, the Lord gave me a special gift in verses 6-7. It thrills me every time I see a theme in scripture. When scripture supports scripture, when I read the same truth from one book to the next, it confirms my faith. I love seeing the flow of truth in His Word. Verses 6-7 reiterated the story of creation! I had opened the app to see Genesis 1:1. Then I landed on Psalm 33 and read: “By the Word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of His mouth. He gathers the waters of the sea into jars; He puts the deep into storehouses.”

That was God’s special gift just for me and I loved Him for it! He neatly wrapped up Genesis 1 and Psalm 33 and gave it to my analytical mind to store away and cherish. Scripture cross-referencing scripture always brings a smile to my face and God knows this about me! By this time my tears had transformed from bitter to thankful.

God went on to remind me that “the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.” Could it be that every event in life is a part of His plan…no matter if it is joyous or painful? All I could think was Romans 8:28…All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I don’t have to understand why someone dies. But I can rest in the knowledge that His plan is good. Jesus willingly gave His life in obedience to that same plan and we are called to fix our eyes on Jesus, “the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross…” (Hebrews 12:2). That is love!  God’s plan is good.

If all of this weren’t enough, God continued to speak peace to my soul as I continued to read: “But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.” Oh, how I know this to be true! That is my story in a single sentence! God’s eyes never left me when I was running from Him. When I was unfaithful, He was absolutely faithful. He literally delivered me from eternal death. He kept me alive while I was in spiritual famine. His love knows no bounds! He will move heaven and earth restore the prodigal’s son (or daughter). I never understood grace before He drew me back into His arms.

Psalm 33 ends with hope, joy and love.

[20] We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. [21] In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. [22] May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. –Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)

We serve an amazing God. He holds the world in His hands and yet He takes the time to play a song for a girl who is struggling to understand her conflicting emotions. Through that song He took my hand and led me to the Word I needed to hear.  His Word not only brought immediate comfort in my sorrow, but also helped me understand His sovereignty over this broken world and His grace in my life personally. I am so thankful for His love and care.

Thank you Jesus.  I love you.

Proverbs 3:1-8 (NIV)                                                                                                                                     [1] My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, [2] for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity. [3] Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. [4] Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. [5] Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; [6] in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. [7] Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. [8] This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

Asking for help has always been difficult for me. I don’t like to inconvenience others. I often find it easier (quicker) to just do things myself, rather than coordinating with others.  Sometimes I just plain get so engrossed in what I’m doing that the thought of asking for help won’t even occur to me, even if I need it. Just ask anyone who has ever seen me in “action” at work…I’ll be so engrossed in a spreadsheet that I’ll be completely oblivious to the world beyond my office door! God help you if you trip and break a leg in front of my office…you may end up laying there until someone more observant happens to walk by! I jest…but only slightly.

I wasn’t raised to ask for help. My parents would ask for prayer, but they rarely asked for help (from people). They specialized in asking God and waiting in faith. People would never know my family’s specific needs. But it was often people that God would use to meet our needs.

Growing up I heard stories like the anonymous woman who knocked on my parents’ door one day. She was grocery shopping when she heard God whispering in her ear. By the time she was at the checkout counter she knew that the groceries in her cart were not hers, but that she needed to deliver them to a family in need. A family she had not yet met. God led her to our home and this faithful woman knocked on our door and simply told my mom that God had laid it on her heart to deliver these groceries to us. She said when she saw our house, she knew she was at the right home. And people wonder why I believe in miracles! Over and over again God took care of my family because of my parents’ faith…and because God loves His children.

Another example from before I was born. My dad wasn’t yet saved, but mom had already accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior. Dad couldn’t find work and they had run out of money. At this point they had 4 children. My middle sister was a baby and they had run out of milk. Mom decided to pray. Then she went outside and there in the yard was a dime. A dime is inconsequential to us today…not even enough to get something from a gum-ball machine anymore. But in 1956 a dime was enough to buy milk for a baby. God met her need and my mom always remembered God’s gracious gift.

When I was in high school I wanted to take the Drivers’ Ed course, but there was no way my parents could afford the fee. It was only about $70 back then, but it may as well have been $1000. I just accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be able to go. However, God had other plans. I came home from school a few days before the registration fee was due and tucked into the doorframe was an unmarked, white envelope. When I opened it, there was a short note and exactly the cash I needed to pay for Drivers’ Ed. My parents didn’t recognize the handwriting. No one I asked admitted to giving me the money. To this day, I have no idea who put the money there for me.  Whoever it was, they heard God’s voice, obeyed and blessed a young girl. Through their obedience, God taught me a lesson in faith. I have always remembered God’s gracious gift.

In my youth I learned to trust God. I don’t know why I would ever have let go of that childlike faith.  As an adult I found it increasingly difficult to trust God with certain things in life. Especially the people I loved the most, like my husband, my son, my daughter.

After TJ’s TBI I prayed pretty much constantly (see Jesus Left the 99 to Find Me, 3/22/15). But I wasn’t praying in faith. If I had been, I would have had peace. If I would have been praying in faith, I wouldn’t have taken control. I wouldn’t have grown hard hearted. Praying in faith involves more than just begging God for what I want from Him. It means trusting Him for His will to be done. It includes trusting God even if His answer is not exactly what I want. It is to rest in His care as I trust Him to take care of the situation. It means that I  will still love God, even if the answer is no.

God had answered my prayers and healed TJ’s mind and I continued walking away from Him. I said last week that I knew it was a miracle when God restored my husband’s ability to think clearly. At that point we were beyond hope. Neural pathways that had been torn apart upon impact had healed as much as they were going to. From that point forward it was a matter of retraining the brain to work differently. You never get back what you lose. But, God had graciously given back to me the man I married. What did I do with His miracle? I thanked God, sure! But, I also continued to walk away from Him as I made choices without seeking His guidance. I quit listening to His voice and I become an island. I didn’t trust God to hold up the weight of my world. The one I trusted was me.

I started trusting ‘me’ because, although God healed TJ’s mind, He didn’t completely heal the man. My husband was still disabled. Injured. His injury occurred while he was training for Special Forces.  SF was the fast track to getting the additional medical training he needed to become a doctor and he knew he needed to be stronger if he hoped to pass the physical exam.  TJ’s dreams were dashed on the day of the accident.

It is hard to watch the person you love mourn loss. TJ lost the career he loved in an instant. Not only that, he lost the ability to provide for his family. We are thankful for his retirement pay, but any man will tell you it’s not the same. Men are wired to earn a good living and take care of the family. If he loses that ability he can get lost. TJ grieved his loss and I grieved with him.

Since then, he and I both have learned so many lessons about relying on God. Trusting God when He says that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We needed to learn these lessons because we were both proud.  But, in those first few years we didn’t get it. Why would God rob us of these dreams we had?  They were good dreams, weren’t they?

So I became the strong one.  I took on that role and ran with it…ran in my own strength. Ran away from God. When I was an island, I was proud of my independence. I had never really practiced independence before the Army years and I found that I liked it. I really liked tapping into my inner strength. I was in control and it felt good. A strong woman doesn’t need help. (Or so we think).

I didn’t realize that while I was exercising my independence I was actually pushing God away. I still went to church every Sunday, I talked like a Christian, I knew what I believed.  I thought I was ok. Granted, I knew that I wasn’t picking up my Bible very often…but, I was still praying.  I knew that my prayers mostly consisted of me begging for miracles and not me seeking God…but I still believed.  I believed in God , but I wasn’t allowing Him to comfort and help me…but I didn’t need it, really. I was strong. Independent. I was in control…right?

As I learned to stand on my own two feet, my relationship with Jesus grew cold. I felt it, but didn’t realize the gravity of it until that day on the 2nd floor of my home when God made me feel the depth of my loneliness. His silence was overwhelming. It was like a vacuum that sucked me into the black hole of my isolation…a place without God. I couldn’t find my way out. My relationship with Jesus was broken and all I could do was beg Him to pull me out and change my heart.

In those moments, I feared I was lost. Had I blasphemed the Holy Spirit? No one had ever adequately explained those verses to me (Jesus’ words: Mark 3:29; Luke 12:10) What did it mean? In the months that followed my fear was ever present and God wasn’t speaking. Was I one of the ones who met the criteria in Hebrews?

Hebrews 6:4-8 (NIV)                                                                                                                                     [4] It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, [5] who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age [6] and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. [7] Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. [8] But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

Was I cursed? Just waiting to be burned?  Had I crucified the Son of God all over again when I walked away from Him?

This week I watched an older Tenth Avenue North Concert on YouTube. In it Mike Donehey sang a prelude to one of their more popular songs. I have never heard it in any other video I’ve seen, so it caught my attention. It’s a beautiful piece. It has powerful words that cause you to search the heart. I ended up listening to a line, shutting down YouTube, opening up Notes and typing the words…then back to the video to listen to the next line, etc…I didn’t want to misquote. This short little musical prelude perfectly described what I felt on the day God opened my eyes to my loneliness. Mike sang: “Lord, I’ve run to the pretty things. The pretty things. And I…I…I’ve been deceived. I’ve been deceived. Oh God, could you tell me is there hope for me? Hope for me? Oh Lord, could I be redeemed?”

What is your “pretty thing”? Mine seems to be my will. My stubborn will. When I don’t freely give my will to God, I become hard hearted. When I hush His voice, I harden my own heart. When I harden my heart God has to work in the extreme to get my attention, because I am stubborn. My will, when I own it, is strong.

This is what was happening in December…me, stubbornly hanging onto my will, repeating history, again. (How many times do I have to learn this same lesson God?) 20 years ago my ‘baggage’ was bigger and God had to be much, much more harsh with me to get me to hear Him. It took months of feeling the isolation of my island before I could see the depth of my sin and seek His forgiveness and restoration. In December my baggage was much smaller, just a hidden chamber in my heart. But my grip was just as tight. This time God was not silent, thankfully He kept gently speaking to me. The only time He was silent was when He had to cut open my heart and release all that pain I was hiding. When He did that, He gave me ample time to look right at it and see everything that I had been trying to hide from Him (see Trusting God with My Heart, 3/1/15). Until I could see it for what it was worth, I wouldn’t be willing to let go. He brought me to my knees with that same pain and when I cried out to Him, He started speaking again, until I heard, believed, and accepted His words.

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” –Romans 5:8 (NASB)

“He (God, the Father) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” –2 Corinthians 5:21 (NASB)

I find God’s faithfulness to be amazing! He is faithful when we are unfaithful. Romans 6:23 tells us that the wages of our sin is death. We deserve death for our rebellion and sin. But, Jesus willfully took on the sin of this world and died in our place. He died so I can live. He paid the price for my sin.   He did so in obedience to the Father but also because of His love for me.  Jesus freely gave His life for me…and you.

Jesus will not easily let go of the one who wanders away from Him. Whenever I think of the depth of His love for me, I am amazed. I am humbled by His love. I believe in free will. And as such, I understand the consequences of my sin. This is why God’s gift is so overwhelming to me. His forgiveness. His grace. I didn’t deserve a second chance after I allowed my heart to harden against Him. I didn’t deserve a third chance after I carefully partitioned a sin-room in the center of my heart…a place where He was not invited. But Jesus never let me go. Because Of His love, He pursued me and drew me back to Him. After that second chance I was thankful that God would leave the 99 to find me.  But I still didn’t understand grace. After this third chance, after filling me with His presence and His joy, I am finally beginning to understand His grace. It is causing me to want to seek Him more…to be in His presence. It is making me bold. It is changing me and I like it. I am eternally thankful for His redemption.

Tenth Avenue North has a song called Forgive Me.  There are really great word pictures in this song. When we choose to ignore Jesus, we are choosing the more difficult path.  The one that leaves us wanting.  But, He is the Light for my foolish heart.

I hear You calling out my name Lord,                                                                                                     But I can’t look You in the eye.                                                                                                                    So I, I just stay away.                                                                                                                                        I tried and tasted what’s forbidden,                                                                                                        And it filled me with delight.                                                                                                                     But now, I’m still hungry Inside.

Oh God, I let intruders into the garden of my soul.                                                                          Foxes are running wild.                                                                                                                                   I thought You were holding out on me now,                                                                                            To keep me from being free.                                                                                                                    How could I have been so wrong?  

Forgive me, forgive me Lord For living like I’m not Yours.                                                                     I forget how kind You are. You’re the light for my foolish heart. 

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.” –Matthew 18:12-14 (NIV)

Twice in my life God has demonstrated this kind of love for me. The first time was nearly 20 years ago.  The second in December.  Today, I want to focus in on what the Lord did in my life 2 decades ago. His love changed the direction of my life.

As a young married couple, my husband and I were in full-time ministry. I had heard the call to ministry the summer I turned 16. When I met TJ, I quickly recognized his heart for the Lord and his desire for ministry. His love for Jesus was a big part of why I fell in love with him. Together, we pursued ministry. I loved it! But, I struggled to balance ministry and family. Every day was so rewarding! And those same days were also long and hard. After just a few short years, we decided to resign.

Our main excuse being our concern for our children. Looking back I stand by our decision as it relates to the kids. Despite our haphazard walk after we left the ministry, they grew up to love the Lord. They both married Christians and are raising our grandchildren in the faith. I am so thankful for This!  Sadly, we know other ministers who have not been so blessed. Ministry can become a 24/7 affair and our children don’t always understand why everything and everyone becomes more important than spending time with them. At least that’s how they see it sometimes…they can feel like last place. Unimportant. We didn’t want that to happen to our children. So we left the ministry.

After we quit, we were sure we’d find great jobs out in the world. We had so much to offer! The world didn’t care. In fact, the year after we left the ministry was perhaps the worst year of our marriage. The only job I could find was Assistant Front Desk Manager at a hotel…earning minimum wage. I went from helping people to checking them in.  TJ found nothing, so he sold cars.

That year became all about survival. Ministry was nonexistent.

After a year of this, we decided to move closer to family. We barely had enough money to pull it off, but somehow we did it. I found a receptionist job and started earning a couple dollars over minimum wage. Again, my husband couldn’t find anything substantial…he was either over or under qualified everywhere he applied. So, he drove taxi at night and worked at a convenience store in the day.

That year life became too chaotic to think about ministry. We didn’t have the energy. So we started going to a mega church and proceeded to get lost in it.

It didn’t take too many weeks for us to realize we couldn’t keep going on like this. We decided that TJ would join the Army National Guard. He tested out with an aptitude for the medical field, so for the next 13 months he went through boot camp, medical training and internship. The kids and I stayed home. It would have meant moving 4 times in just over a year. I am practical enough to accept that we couldn’t afford to do that, so I became a working single mom for a season.

I continued attending the fun mega church and became invisible.

It was a hard year, but it was worth the heartache. When he was done with training, TJ passed the federal exam and was able to work in the civilian world. He secured a great job in the Seattle area so we all moved and became a family again. We were starting over, but this time we were both gainfully employed. We found a good church and got minimally involved. Life was good and we could see ourselves settling there. That is until the Army tempted us with an offer we couldn’t resist…a tour in Europe. The deal was he would have to transfer out of the National Guard and join the U.S. Army, full time…sign the dotted line! We decided to do it and before we knew it we were living in Germany and loving it!

We went with thoughts of the mission field swimming through our minds. In reality we continued doing virtually nothing for the Lord. We worked. We traveled. We played. Living in Europe is a blast!

After about a year and one-half in Germany, TJ sustained a head injury that would change our lives. They called it a Closed Head Injury or Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Basically, the impact irreparably damaged the right, frontal lobe of his brain. Physically, he dealt with short and long term memory deficits (he no longer recognized all the faces in our family photo albums), daily sleep episodes (lasting up to 2 hours…nothing external could wake him), periodic loss of speech (after waking from a sleep episode), lost time, confusion (sometimes he had no idea of where he was and how to get home), inability to prioritize sounds (all sounds have equal value to his brain, so processing what’s important to listen to can be difficult for him), and a constant headache that to this day has never stopped (but will periodically intensify into a full blown migraine). He could no longer do his job, so the army put him on shifts with little patient interaction and they found other stuff for him to do.

This was all so intense in the beginning. I spent a significant amount of time worrying. I remember the doctor assuring me that within 2-6 weeks, he should be back to normal. At 2 months, he told me that patients often see marked improvement between 3-6 months. At 6 months, he said that if there wasn’t improvement by the 9th month, he would never get better. In the meantime, the Army had started the retirement process and would send him to Walter Reed Medical Center, in Washington DC, for further medical and psychological testing to confirm diagnosis.

I prayed a lot during that time. I cried. I worried. I prayed. But I rarely picked up my Bible. Instead, I started standing up on my own two feet as I began to realize and trust my inner strength…that same strength I mentioned in my first blog (My Journey to Joy) which has nothing to do with the Holy Spirit in me.  Strong Alice never asks for help. I’ve always been responsible and this was no different. I took control of everything, the kids, the house, the bills, TJ…I handled it all while working full time. I hadn’t yet learned that control is just an illusion.

We went to church, but I had little time for obedience since I was so busy controlling everything around me.

While I was transforming into an island (a lonely rock in the ocean of humanity) the Army doctors were preparing TJ for the inevitable worst case scenario. They told him that he would lose his family. They said I would probably leave and take the kids with me, so he needed to figure out how to live on his own. I guess the percentages are pretty high for that particular outcome. I am personally appalled by that! Life changed. It changed a lot. But, I made a commitment on my wedding day and just because things changed that wasn’t cause for me to bail out on the man I love.  And I certainly wasn’t going to teach my children to quit when things get hard.  No way!

Those of you who know my husband will likely not recognize the man I described above. I am very thankful for that! At about the one year mark, months after I was supposed to have left him and beyond the theoretical line in the sands of time that told me there was no longer any hope, God answered my prayer. TJ regained clarity of mind. He became able to think and reason again, without necessarily triggering a sleep episode. He could read and comprehend, without certain confusion. My husband is a very intelligent man and God graciously restored his mind. When I looked into his eyes I could see the man I married. I was so very thankful for that! He still deals with all of the above when he overdoes it. But he has learned to pace himself to minimize the adverse symptoms of his TBI.  The healing I witnessed was deeper than the symptoms he deals with. God restored the man. He gave me back my husband, a little broken, but he was once again the man I had married. It was a miracle and I knew it.

Fast forward about three years. TJ is medically retired from the Army. We’re back in the States, living nearby TJ’s family again. We’re going to a good church. I’m working a full-time job.  TJ is on disability. I am upstairs. My family is downstairs…I can hear them. Suddenly, I am alone. I feel like I might be the only person for a thousand miles. I am still an island. I never let anyone in…not even God. I still have to be strong to get everything done! I don’t have time to get tangled up with people. I am alone and God allows me to feel it. Deep loneliness. I am completely isolated on the island I’ve become.

“The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.” –John 10:3-4 (NIV)

It occurred to me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had heard the voice of God. I thought about it. When did I last hear His still small voice? When I was 16 I knew the voice of God. When I was in ministry I recognized His voice. Had I heard His voice since we left the ministry? I remember praying and feeling like my prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling and falling down at my feet. I could practically see my words piling up on the floor around me. I couldn’t reach God. He was gone. Far away. I cried. How long had I been like this? I knew better. I knew God could hear me, but It felt like He had left me. I fell to my knees and cried out to God. Nothing. I am utterly alone on the island of my own creation.

God didn’t meet me there that day. He allowed me to feel my loneliness. He let me wander in the wilderness for months, unable to hear and follow His direction. I feared I had walked too far away and there was no redemption left for me. Day after day God was silent as I prayed.  Days turned into weeks…weeks into months.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t break through. I tried a few times to search scripture for answers…but I couldn’t find any. I felt dull.

That fall I decided to go to a women’s retreat. It sounded like the break I needed. I was confused by His silence. I still feared for my soul. I missed my relationship with Him and I wanted restoration. So I went to retreat and God met me there. I couldn’t tell you who the speaker was or what she said. I just remember that the silence ended when God spoke, personally, to me. His words were like a revelation to my soul. He said what I should have already known. He reminded me that I had promised to serve Him all the days of my life. He asked me to stop running and serve Him again. I was thrilled!  It was so simple.  How could I have not seen it before that day?  I said “Yes!” for the second time. Suddenly I was no longer alone. I was forgiven. I was restored. I was joyful. And the next day I was tested.

Like the first time I said yes to God’s call to ministry, I had no idea what He wanted me to do.  But the details didn’t matter, I had promised God that I would never say no to Him again. The next day a friend of mine asked me a question. She had been talking with some of the ladies from our church and they wanted to start a weekly Bible study. “Would you be willing to co-lead with me?” I heard the answer in my head and it was an emphatic “No!” But, when I opened my mouth and spoke, I heard my voice say, “Yes!”  My lips faithfully answered from my heart and chose to disregard that selfish old thought in my head!  That was a joyful moment!

And so it began. Over the years that followed, God healed my heart and taught me so many lessons about living, serving and trusting Him.  As I walked in obedience, He softened my hard heart.  It became an inexpressible joy to serve my Lord and Savior. I came to understand that if God had comforted me on the day my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling, if He would have broken the silence that day, I would never have changed.  I would have been happy for a day and would have continued walking away from Him…my heart growing colder with every step.  I would have still been an island.  I am a strong-willed woman. Stubborn. I needed to wander through the unknown wilderness before I would be willing to give up my control to Him.  My island may have been a lonely place, but it was all mine.

God knew me better than I knew myself.  He knew exactly where I had wandered off to and He knew what it would take to bring me back to the fold.  He didn’t spare my feelings, for months He let me feel the consequences of my sin, until I was finally ready to listen and obey.  Then He spoke those life-changing words to my soul.

I have so much more to share, but I have already broken the cardinal rule of blogging…this one is officially too long!  I will continue next week.  But before I go, if you realize today that you are an island, please seek Jesus. He loves you and wants to restore you and give you peace.  You are not beyond redemption.  Trust Him.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  –Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)