Bitter Tears Gave Way to Joy

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Alice

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. –Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

In December, when the Holy Spirit unhid my secret pain, I didn’t understand what He was doing. I had been seriously praying for joy for months and instead of encountering joy I only grew more anxious. Then suddenly He ripped the proverbial bandage off my wound! It was so intense, so much more painful than anything I had ever endured. God had literally unleashed the culmination of every painful thing that I had ever held onto in my lifetime.  I rarely ask for help, but I reached out to a friend and asked her to pray for me. I was completely overwhelmed!  This caused me to seek the Lord with what little strength I had left. When I finally surrendered all that pain to Him, He took it from me and replaced it with joy. To my surprise, the Holy Spirit filled me with joy! The very thing I had been seeking. (See “My Journey to Joy”, 2/23/15). So, I never even considered that He might ask me to work through what He had already healed. However, this week the Lord asked that of me. Today I am sharing one of the most personal and painful things I’ve ever had to endure, the death of my sister.

My sister’s death wasn’t the first I’ve had to face in life, nor was it the most recent. I don’t know exactly why God has laid this on my heart to share with you, except that she was the first of six members of my immediate family to pass away over the last decade. With each death, that pain increased inside me. I layered new pain upon old and buried it even more deeply in that secret chamber of my heart.

She had been battling diabetes for many years and it was complications with this disease that caused her death. I live over 300 miles from home. So, when my other sister, Mary, called to tell me that Pam was in the hospital, and that it was serious, I asked her to keep me updated in case I needed call work to let them know I would have to take a few days off. When we said our goodbyes, I hung up the phone and started praying. The news at that point was that my brother-in-law had taken her to the ER and they admitted her into the hospital. She had some sort of infection that they hadn’t been able to get under control with antibiotics. The infection was in her blood.  A couple hours later Mary called to let me know that she had become unresponsive. “Please pray, Alice!”

As I write this, flashes of that night are flooding my mind’s eye.  I remember praying and asking God to heal my sister. Pleading. I vaguely remember the phone calls from Mary. I remember the tears and the toilet paper roll, because we didn’t have any Kleenex. I remember my husband trying to comfort me. I have no doubt I was trying to be strong, but in his arms I always melt.  I stayed up and prayed until the early hours of the morning. I remember Mary feeling bad about calling late into the night and me reassuring her that I wanted her updates. Whenever she’d call I would update my husband, then I’d continue to pray.  I remember our green carpet surrounding the edges of my Bible as I prayed on my hands and knees before God in my living room…I remember tears falling on those pages.  I remember the call telling me that Pam was gone. In the span of about 12 hours I had knelt before God in the valley of the shadow of death…I had no more tears to cry that night. I couldn’t understand why God had chosen not to heal her. However, I knew she was with Him. She was only 57 years old and she was with the Lord now.

I called work and left a message for my manager to hear in the morning. We packed and left for home. Six hours later we pulled into a driveway…I don’t remember where we slept.

My memory of this trip is fragmented.  Pam was the first of three loved ones that my family would lose within 18 months, so I’m honestly not sure if I’m mixing up memories.  But, this is what I recall.  I visited my dad in the rest home and grieved with both he and mom that they had to outlive their daughter.  I met people from my childhood, at the memorial service. Wonderful Christian people we had gone to church with when I was a little girl…people Pam had grown to love. These people had been instrumental in leading her and my brother-in-law to the Lord. I praise God for these people!  I remember thinking my brother-in-law was in shock and I worried about him.  I remember trying to comfort my niece who was not handling well the death of her mother.  I remember trying to be strong for my other niece, the responsible one. The one who was to be married in a couple months, but wouldn’t have her mom with her on that special day. She and I are only 2 years apart in age. We grew up like sisters and my heart was breaking for her.  I remember my family’s tears and hugs and how we all tried to be strong for each other.

Pam was the oldest of six children. I am the youngest. We both had the same parents, but we grew up in very different homes. Mom and dad weren’t Christians when she was a child and dad was an alcoholic.   I was born to Christian parents who loved and served God.  Pam grew up feeling unloved. I grew up never questioning my parents’ love for me. When dad accepted Jesus he was miraculously delivered from alcoholism and he found purpose in Christ. Pam was a young teen when dad was saved, but the damage had already been done. The three oldest kids disbelieved that this change of heart could be real. They didn’t trust it. They didn’t want It. They rebelled against these new ideals that mom and dad now stood for. They were angry.

I was very young, but I remember the fallout. I grew up in the aftermath of my dad’s alcoholism. I grew up watching my siblings and because of them I grew up praying. Even when I was young, I understood that the choices they were making in their lives would only cause another generation of pain if something didn’t change. As I grew older, my prayers matured from “God, please make them stop yelling” to “God, please save (fill in the name) and restore my family.”  When I looked at my parents, I saw a man and woman of God, forgiven, strong in the faith, serving God and loving me. When they looked at mom and dad, they only saw hypocrites as they remembered the pain of their upbringing. We were one house with two distinct homes.

I don’t know when Pam accepted Christ, but I know exactly when the restoration began. On Valentine’s Day, 1983, dad had a major heart attack that landed him in the hospital. I was devastated and went to his bedside. During one of my visits, Pam also stopped by to talk to dad. By this time I had been praying for years that Pam and dad would reconcile. God allowed me to be present at the beginning of answered prayer. Pam asked dad to forgive her.  She wanted to start over and rebuild their relationship. I was in awe of my Great God on that day! It would take years for the two of them to work through it all, but they both wanted this. The healing had begun.

Years later Pam was diagnosed with diabetes, she really struggled to maintain her health. As she grew older, the diabetes began winning the battle. Every time I went home, I would see how much more the disease had progressed in her body. Her eye sight began to fail. She dealt with the pain, and later numbness, of neuropathy in her hands and feet. She loved to sew and had hoped to make and sell doll clothes after retirement, but her eyesight and neuropathy wouldn’t allow that to be. She got to the point where it was very difficult to walk. When she went out she needed to use a wheelchair for stability.

It broke my heart to see her suffer like that. She had lost so much because of this disease. However, while she was losing her health and abilities, God was strengthening her faith. She began to rely on Him. As her eyesight failed, she learned to listen to His still small voice. As her hands and feet failed her, she learned to stand in the strength of the Lord. My sister, who had fought depression much of her life, became joyful in the Lord. Her spirit was joy-filled as God wrapped His arms around her and held up her head. As the love of God penetrated her heart, she finally came to believe that her family loved her.  She learned to forgive.  She was so thankful for the Lord in her life. She told me this every time we were able to visit. I could see it!  The work of the Holy Spirit inside her broken body was obvious.  I rejoiced with her.

I miss my sister and I always will. I would love to sit and chat with her about what the Lord has been doing in her life over the last decade.  But, I don’t have to.  I know what the Lord has done! He has given her a new body and a new voice to sing praise to the God she loves. For eternity.

When I started writing this post I wondered why the Lord would place it on my heart to write about Pam.  Today, I can tell you that I no longer feel like a piece of my heart is missing. On the contrary, when I think of Pam, I find myself smiling. Praise God!  She was beautiful in Christ and I know that some day we will sing together in Heaven.

I have also come to understand something about the sin of hiding things from God…or trying to hide them. When we attempt to hide anything from Him, it becomes a distractor that hinders our relationship with Him.  It takes so much time and attention to build up those protective walls around our secret sins.  I spent so much time and energy hiding and protecting the pain I was holding on to, when I should have just given it all to God.  I should have trusted Him with my heart and allowed Him to heal me years ago.  Instead, I hid it away so I could revisit it another day.  Every time I would go there I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears.  They were bitter tears. Tears that I never wanted anyone to see.  Looking back, from the perspective that I have today, I don’t know why I chose to hang onto to all that pain.  It only robbed me of the very thing that I craved from God…His joy in my life.

While I was seeking the Lord last year, I  was completely unaware that I was sabotaging joy because of my hidden sin.  I honestly had no idea why I struggled so to find joy.  But, I see now that the pain I carried kept me from truly entering His presence.  I was unable to be silent before Him and just listen.  When I would try I would just hear the voices in my head and my mind would begin to wander to the many things I worried about, past, present and future.  I couldn’t allow Him to wash over me, because my sin was ever before me.  And I  didn’t trust enough to give myself completely to Him. Praise God He broke these chains.  Praise Jesus, He loved me enough to hurt me in order to heal me. He restored me. His Spirit is filling me with the joy of the Lord.  I’ve known Him my entire life, but this is the first time my life has truly been in Him.

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Trusting God with My Heart

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Alice

This week’s blog has been difficult for me to write, because I’ve been experiencing an inner conflict. My heart is telling me not to listen to my head. My head is telling me to beware my heart.  My heart recognizes what the Holy Spirit is doing inside me.  My head keeps telling me I’ve got to figure this thing out before I tell anyone about it.  “What do you have to say that hasn’t been said a million times before?”

My husband and I enjoy a good Disney movie.  But we’ve noticed a trend through the years that we’ve come to refer to as a Disneyism.  Pretty much every one of their films tell you to follow your heart!  They write it in the screenplays, they sing it in the songs.  The main character will want something so badly, but he or she won’t initially pursue the dream because there will be some sort of road block.  Perhaps a physical enemy, or maybe a lack of self confidence…maybe they’ve simply been misunderstood.  Whatever the reason, the audience falls in love with this character.  We root for them because we’ve all been there.  By the end of the movie the main character will muster up the courage to take a chance and follow the heart, then everyone lives happily ever after.  The end.  It seems to work for Disney.  But in real life, following your heart can get you into trouble if you’re not careful.

I have always understood the inherent danger of following my heart. An emotional response to an event in life can lead to poor choices, false words, irrational actions. Decisions based solely on feelings can result in devastation and heartache. It doesn’t matter if my intentions are good, emotions can cloud my judgement. However, I am also acquainted with the problems associated with a purely logical approach. Logic, based in fact, is hard, cold, unyielding. It doesn’t trust the unseen. It wants answers to questions and to rationalize the chaos. But there aren’t always answers. Sometimes, we just have to stand in faith.

It would be easier if You were just a thought in my head.
Simply something that I once read.
A belief needing my defense.
And It would be easier if You were something I once knew,
A hope just to hold on to.
But You’re holding out Your hands.

‘Cause You came to take us back to the start.
You came to touch the hardness of our hearts.
You gave us truth. The truth is who You are.
It’s who You are.

And it’s not enough to just say ‘I believe’,
’cause truth is that talk is cheap.
So Grace give me eyes to see.

Every time this Tenth Avenue North song comes up on my playlist, it catches my attention. It’s called, The Truth is Who You Are. I absolutely love this song. I totally relate to this song…I understand the sentiment. Countless times over the years I’ve thought that it would be so much easier if this world, this life, was all there is. If we just died and then there was nothing, then nothing would be important. There would be no eternal implications to the decisions I make. But when you believe in a sovereign God, well, that just comes with so much importance!

To serve God is a privilege and a burden. When I look at the world beyond my Christian circle, I see people in pain. I see sin and death.  I see souls who don’t even realize their need for a Savior. So much hate.  So many lies.  So many people walking down the broad road and not the narrow (Matthew 7:13-14). Even the happy events seem to be fleeting because the concerns of this world can so easily overtake joy.  Jesus said there is so much work to be done, but so few workers (Matthew 9:37). Any Christian who recognizes this feels the weight of it.  It really would be easier if we didn’t have to carry this burden.

As I’ve been thinking about this newfound joy I’ve been experiencing, it occurred to me that my old way of thinking may have been honest, but it effectively robbed me of the joy of the Lord!  My focus was on how hard it is to live the Christian life, instead of just following Jesus.

Every spring, we have a mini-retreat for the women in my church.  It’s always such a great time getting away with friends, having fun and worshipping Jesus.  Last year the theme was joy.  I planned to present a short study on the topic. When I started looking for a good verse on joy, I couldn’t find one. I spent quite a bit of time reading verse after verse and nothing felt right…nothing inspired me. Finally, I decided to just start writing. I figured the verse would come to me as I wrote.  There was nothing.  Not only no verse came to mind, but no words…I had nothing to share. I knew that joy was not something that came easily to me…but I had no idea how difficult it would be for me to teach on the subject. I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn’t in a place where I could teach it and I wouldn’t be honest if I tried to fake it. So, the message became a confession and a request for prayer from my friends.

That realization broke my heart. How had that 16 year old girl, who had so joyfully said “Yes!” to God, become the woman who had no joy?   Praying for joy was not uncommon for me, but after this experience I found myself praying much more often for it.

Last week I wrote that I had no idea where the deep sadness I experienced in December had come from. I am beginning to understand that I had to go through that pain in order to get to the place where I was willing to place my heart in the hands of God.  You see, I don’t easily trust.  I always thought that I trusted God, but now I know that I didn’t trust Him…at least not fully.  I kept an area of my heart hidden from others, including Him.  Pain never dealt with.  Suffering that had just been put aside because I needed to remain strong. That pain was safely tucked away, deep in a secret place that only I could visit when I was feeling melancholy…and I did visit that place periodically. But the purpose of my visits was not to deal with the pain, I would go there to wallow in it. So these wounds never healed and they robbed me of joy.

To get my attention, God opened the floodgates and released all that pain at once. It worked!  He definitely got my attention.  I didn’t understand what was happening while I was going through the storm, but it knocked the wind out of me and brought me to my knees.  I would never have sought forgiveness and  healing, and as a result received His joy, if He had not first cut open my heart and revealed my sin.

So, today I chose to write from the heart.  I decided not to listen to those  voices in my head, not today.  I am still learning what it means to experience the joy of the Lord, to trust Him completely.   I will continue seeking answers to my questions…to rationalize the chaos.   That makes my head happy.  But, as I dig into scripture I will also pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to wash over me and make me clean before Him.  That will excite my heart and keep it humble before God.

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My Journey to Joy

Posted on February 23, 2015 by Alice

During the summer and fall of 2014 I found myself at a low point in life. It was a storm that took me by surprise. My immediate answer to dealing with it was to simplify where I could, letting go of a number of my responsibilities to reduce stress.  This really didn’t help because that action simply added guilt to the anxiety I was already feeling.  I found myself praying constantly…calling out to God for help. I am grateful to say that we serve a God who hears our prayers and answers because He loves us so.  The Holy Spirit broke through my stubborn walls.

I’ve experienced a lot of loss, throughout my life. It was through loss that I first realized how strong I am. So strong that I tend to push people away so I can deal with things myself, in my own logical manner. I’ve always needed to figure things out in my own head before I can reach out to another for help. The Holy Spirit has convicted me of that particular sin many times over the years. Secrets do not heal and becoming an island only produces loneliness…God has opened my eyes to that fact time and time again. But, when I’m dealing with something, I often fall back on old familiar habits, pulling out my inner strength (the one that has absolutely nothing to do with the Holy Spirit in me).  And there I’ll find myself, alone again. I have even been known to push God away. Thankfully, not this time. There were times I was clinging to Him with my fingertips…but at least I was looking to Him.

In December, a lifetime of loss closed in on me…this had been building for months, but in December…Wow, words can’t express. People and things that are never very far from my thoughts all closed in on me at once. The death of my brother, sister, parents and grandson. The loss of the ministry I loved. Family and friends who reject Christ. My job that was ending. My life laid out before me and all I could see was sadness and pain.  Plus, anytime my husband is in pain, I am in pain. His recovery from knee replacement has been a difficult journey…but praise the Lord he is recovering.

I still have no idea where this deep sadness came from. I have always struggled with joy, but have never been this low. Most of the loss I was mourning happened years ago.  Some when I was a child.  But, recent events and concerns brought it all flooding down on me. Before the intensity of December, I had already stopped reading anything of substance because I just couldn’t concentrate. After just a few minutes I would realize I had no idea what I had just read, so I would start over…only to repeat. This effected my devotions…I ended up stopping altogether. However, I didn’t stop praying and listening to music. Music has always touched my heart, but during this time music kind of became my sanity.

By January, it was getting better but I was still asking God why I struggle so hard to find joy. “God, why don’t I have the Joy of the Lord when I have loved You since I was young?” About a month ago, I decided to put together a couple playlists on my iPad. Songs that convict me of sin and point me to Christ. Songs that bring me into God’s presence. Songs that make me smile as I consider the depth of His love for me. I couldn’t concentrate to read God’s Word, but I could still come into His presence through scripture in song.

Anyone who knows me well will know that I love the band Tenth Avenue North. I see them as today’s Keith Green (if you haven’t heard of Keith Green, you can find clips on YouTube). Their lyrics are so honest and filled with truth. They have a way of shining light on all the things that we try to hide in the dark. The struggles and fears and doubts that every Christian who is being honest has to admit they’ve dealt with at some time in their life…perhaps many times in life. But they don’t stop at exposing our common sin, they point us to Christ and to healing, if we’ll accept it. They share the heart of God and His grace. Their words were a balm to my hurting spirit. Through them the Holy Spirit breathed on me and began healing me, revealing my sin and leading me to repentance and joy.

Last Sunday, my pastor reiterated everything the Holy Spirit had been helping me to see…but he did so with scriptural references. I love the power of God’s Word! I was reduced to tears at one point when I realized just how much I am loved by God!  So loved that my Father would weave everything together to speak directly and personally to me.

We were built by the hands of Love, redeemed in spite of what we’ve done.                         We are the Spirit’s dwelling place.                                                                                                 And now, children of the Light, fight back darkness with delight.                                          Lift your eyes up to His face. Let joy take temptation’s place.

These are lyrics from a Tenth Avenue North song called Cathedrals. I love the refrain:

And our hungry souls reach out to whatever fills us up.                                                            But we’ll keep on falling down, unless we fall in love.           

Our hungry souls really do reach out to fill up on the things of this world…they look so pretty and enticing. But those things don’t last! Until we fall in love with God, we will continue to struggle in this Christian walk of ours. Cathedrals was just one of many songs that pointed my face toward Christ and reminded me who I am in Him.

This last week, every single day, I have been joyful. It’s the kind of joy I feel when I’m teaching or preaching. I rarely feel this way when I’m not serving Him. The joy that has been so elusive my entire life is being poured into my spirit. I am in awe of my God tonight and I am so grateful that he is so patient and kind. He has pursued me for 50 years, waiting for me to just fall in love. Praise the name of Jesus.

I pray this blog encourages you. If you’re struggling, look to Jesus for your healing. If you are on the mountaintop, praise God! If you’re somewhere in between, don’t forget to keep your eyes on Christ. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

In Christ, Alice

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