For years I have asked a consistent question of God: Why do I struggle with joy? I was a child when I was saved…I can’t even remember life before faith. But, for the majority of my adult life joy was elusive. I came to believe it was because of my personality type. But I still compared myself to my Christians friends. Joy just seemed to bubble up from their hearts. Not mine. Personality differences or not, I was perplexed by this. Life in Christ should be joyful.

When I started praying for joy last year, I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I just knew I was tired of feeling incomplete. Ten grueling months later, the Lord was able to break through my defenses and fill me with His joy. Since then He has been showing me that although I wanted joy, I was actually the one blocking it. He is helping me understand that there were layers of reasons why I had no joy in my Christian life. I was clinging to so many things that effectively created a barrier around my heart. This year, God has been bringing these sins to light and giving me choices to make: Repent, turn from my sin and receive freedom in Christ; or continue to embrace my sin and return to my old way of living.

I have already written about the first sin God opened my eyes to see in February (see: ‘Seeking Joy, Finding Rest’ 3/12/15). Following is the first of two more long-time sins that God has uncovered in me this past month.

When we were in ministry, it was important to both my husband and I that we did not drink. We wanted to be good witnesses for Christ. We have seen many things change in our country over the last 30 years and this is one of them: Today, most of our Christian friends drink moderately; 30 years ago, most did not and those who did were thought of as very worldly. TJ and I didn’t want anyone to see anything in us that could cause them to stumble in their walk with Jesus Christ, so we committed to an alcohol-free home and lifestyle.

Romans 14:15 NIV
[15] If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died.

Romans 14 has much to say about our freedom in Christ. Paul reminds us that God has made all things and the things He made are good. Paul acknowledges that there are Christians whose faith does not allow them certain freedoms. He tells the strong to bear with the weaknesses of others without condemning or arguing. The weak in turn should not argue with the one who is free, nor should they judge them.

When Paul wrote this, he was writing to a mixed audience of Christians. There were Jews and Gentiles both in the church at Rome. Gentile converts had abandoned their former religions when they accepted Christ. Other than not returning to idolatrous practices, they didn’t come with many restrictions in their belief system. The Jewish Christians however came from a ceremonial system of laws, with forbidden foods, sabbath-day worship, etc. Paul was convinced that nothing was unclean and he was open about his freedom in Christ. But instead of trying to convince people to embrace freedom like he had, he instructed the church to be gracious, treating one another with love. It is a matter of conscience and if a person’s conscience forbids a thing, arguing will not change their heart and mind. It will only cause anger and division.

Romans 14:14 NIV
[14] I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.

Before I continue, I want to be perfectly clear. These verses are speaking to matters of conscience. They are not referring to things that the Bible clearly teaches are sins. Matters of conscience are about things like eating, drinking and days of worship…not lust, greed, envy, murder, deceit, etc. Romans chapter 1 clearly outlines man’s sinful nature and the consequences of choosing to reject God’s moral law. A person in sin needs to receive words of warning in love. Matters of conscience need no warning, just grace.

I was perfectly ok with not drinking. Actually, it was a no-brainer for me. My parents never had to tell me not to drink. I just grew up knowing it was a bad idea from what I learned in my own family. Remember, my dad was an alcoholic before He met Christ. God freed him from the bonds of alcoholism the moment he was saved and he never drank another drop. 2 Corinthians 5:17 was my dad’s testimony, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” (NASB). My dad was not free to drink. For him it would have been a sin. Alcohol had taken hold of his life and Christ broke those chains. Jesus freed him of his addiction to alcohol. For dad it was much more than just a matter of conscience and he knew it. If he had chosen to drink he would have been rejecting the healing touch of Christ and returning to his old bottle.

Not long after we left the ministry, TJ and I changed our policy on drinking. We came to the conclusion that drinking in moderation is not forbidden. Although we found a number of warnings against drinking to excess, we found nothing in Scripture that said drinking alcohol is sinful in and of itself. Our rules included drinking in moderation and to continue being careful to never become a stumbling block to anyone who was not free to partake.

I was 24 when we made this decision. Life was crazy in the years after we left full time ministry. We went from survival mode where we were struggling to start over, to separation while TJ was in military training, to playtime in Germany, to TJ’s accident and the adjustments that came with that…then we started over again! All the while I was honing my skills in strength and control. In all those years I never took the time to wrestle with God over whether or not I was free to drink, personally. I understood what Scripture said, but at the same time I remembered my family history. I was uncertain if my decision had been right or wrong, I feared the possibility of losing control. I wasn’t walking in faith.

Romans 14:23 NIV
[23] But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

Although I never talked about it, for years, every time I drank my fears came to the surface. We didn’t drink often, but when we did, I was careful because the idea of losing control appalled me. I had an image to maintain. I should have taken the time to study it through and pray over my decision. Instead, I chose to ignore it. Bury it. All the while I stewed over my biggest fear of all, ‘Am I searing my conscience and hardening my heart against God?’ As it turns out, I was.

After God restored me so many years ago and rescued me from living life as a solitary island (see: Jesus Left the 99…, 3/22/15), you would think that I would have taken the time to figure out what I actually believed about drinking. I didn’t. I was busy, but no more than any other woman my age.  I just didn’t want to bring my choice to the Lord and place it in His hands.  We had been moderately drinking for about 10 years by this point.  I still wasn’t comfortable with it in my spirit and I knew it. However, I continued to exercise a freedom that I didn’t personally have. I also continued to ignore it. Bury it. The difference this time around was that I eventually got to the point where I pretty much stopped worrying about it. There were many times when I would get through a meal without even a thought. It had become a non-issue. I was comfortable.

Galatians 5:16-18 NIV
[16] So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. [17] For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. [18] But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

When something slowly becomes a non-issue, that’s not an indicator it has become ok. Being comfortable is not a sign that your conscience is clean.

When I was an island I exercised self-control because part of the persona I had created included being a good girl. I needed to look good on the outside. When Christ rescued me from my island, He opened my eyes. He showed me that my control was only an illusion. My strength only pushed God away. He helped me see that although people are messy, getting involved in their lives is good. He called me to serve Him when He stirred my heart for ministry again. And I did! I served Him with all my heart from that day forward. However, when I look back over 25+ years, with the eyes I have today, I clearly see that I was more careful with alcohol in the 10 years as an island than in the last 16 years of serving God. I’ve never been drunk, but on a few occasions I crossed my personal line.

I’ve spent much time this month both seeking God’s will in this and in searching my own motives. Why would I ever have pushed the boundary? Why would I have never taken the time to become convinced of what I believe? Why didn’t I trust God in this? Because I wasn’t walking in the Spirit. In this area of my life I was walking in my own pathetic strength. Today I can say with confidence that ‘I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus…’.  But, until God brought me to my knees I wasn’t willing to listen to His voice and trust Him.

I don’t think that I am the only person to have ignored a thing long enough to become comfortable with it. I believe human nature does this all the time! But, as Christians, we have to remember that our human nature is in direct opposition to the Spirit of God within us. If you know there is something in your life that you’re doing outside of faith, if you are choosing to bury your fears about it, please stop and take it to the foot of the Cross. Give it to Jesus and seek Him.  Trust God, remembering that He only gives good gifts to His children (Luke 11:9-13; James 1:13-18). Believe me when I say, there is no peace in doing your own thing. You may become comfortable, but there is never rest.

I am so thankful that God was able to break through my defenses this year. His joy is my air!  His discipline is painful, but I believe that God disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12:4-11).  I remember what I was before this year and I welcome His discipline if it means the cleansing of my heart.  God’s refining touch is indescribable.  His touch is freedom to my soul.

Tenth Avenue North has a song called ‘Don’t Stop the Madness’. In December this song was comforting to me because I was going through so much pain and chaos and I recognized God’s touch in it.  He brought me to my knees and I pleaded with Him to finish His work.  Today this song makes me smile with joy because I finally understand:

There’s a beggar down inside of me,
Standing on the corner of Your street.
And my shame is my only company.
Could use some cash but can’t admit my need,
For what You’ve got and what I could receive.
I need Your love to come and break the silence.

Well all I hear is what they’re selling me,
That God is love, He isn’t suffering.
And what you need’s a little faith and prosperity.
But oh my God I know there’s more than this.
If You promise pain it can’t be meaningless.
So make me poor if that’s the price for freedom.

Don’t stop the madness, don’t stop the chaos,
Don’t stop the pain inside of me.
Do whatever it takes to give me Your heart,
And bring me down to my knees, Lord.

Jeremiah 29:13 NIV
[13] You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Romans 15:13 NIV
[13] May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.