Since February, God has been redefining a few things in my life. He’s helping me understand His grace. Not only to understand, but to see the depth of His grace…how far He is willing to go to restore His children.  I worried that when the joyful feeling faded I wouldn’t know how to get it back. He has shown me that His joy is so much deeper than a feeling. His joy is always present because His presence is ever with me. Inside me. Not separate from me. God is showing me His strength which is so much greater than my own ineffective strength.  When I’m tempted to fall back into the old familiar habits, and trust what I used to trust, He patiently reminds me to trust His Word and rest in Him.

God is showing me all of these things about His rich character, while at the same time uncovering my sin. He’s opening my eyes to see things I thought were dealt with years ago. Things I’ve done that I didn’t even realize had become a barrier between God and I. He is showing me exactly why joy was so elusive in my life.

I never thought I’d hear myself admit this to anyone, but lately I am finding that I can relate to Alice in Wonderland! I can’t stand that story and it honestly has nothing to do with sharing her name. Let’s just say that I have never been able to appreciate the nonsensical fantasy contained within the pages of the book. However, the phrase ‘Curiouser and curiouser!’ keeps coming to mind as I think over the last few weeks. It has been curiouser and curiouser to me that God can fill me with His Spirit and give me joy even while I still have sin in my life. I don’t see how the two can be compatible. However, the Holy Spirit keeps filling me with joy and, as I seek more of Christ, He is also opening my eyes to see myself clearly. Selfishness. Pride. Self righteousness. I find myself wondering how much more hidden sin there is left to be exposed.

I must admit, my dislike of Alice in Wonderland comes solely from the Disney version of the story…I’ve never actually read the book. I tried once, but couldn’t even get through the first chapter, I found it so ridiculous! So, when the phrase ‘curiouser and curiouser’ kept coming to mind this month, I was compelled to google it. I knew it was Alice who said it…I just didn’t know what crazy happenstance caused her to utter it. When I read it in context I was surprised to find that I actually related to her! Here’s the quote: ““Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English). “Now I’m opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!” (for when she looked down at her feet they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off).”

Oddly enough, that excerpt pretty adequately describes these past four weeks of blog silence! Of course I’m not literally opening out like the largest telescope that ever was…I am merely being stretched as God cleans house! While I have been struggling to understand it all, I too seem to have quite forgotten how to (write) good English!

Every time I think God must be done peeling away layers of my heart that reveal another never-before-dealt-with-sin, He peels away yet another layer to reveal another sin. When I prayed for joy last year, I had no idea I was praying for all of this!  It makes perfect sense though. What is it that separates man from God? Sin. What is it that keeps the Christian from experiencing the fullness of God in his or her life? Sin. How is it possible that I could call myself a Christian my entire life and have virtually no joy? Sin.

It’s easy to become complacent in our Christian life and think that everything’s fine spiritually. For years I thought I was fine, although I knew I had no joy. Each time God opens my eyes to personal sin, I see a little more clearly how a born again Christian can spend her lifetime with little to no joy. As disorienting as this process has been, I am so thankful for it! Head knowledge tells me that I can’t make myself clean, so of course I have to come to Jesus just as I am, sin and all! It is only through the cleansing Blood of Jesus Christ that my sin is washed clean. I believe this to be true.  But knowing something and experiencing it are two very different things. It is an awesome and fearful thing to come before a holy God when you understand how unclean you really are.

Over the last four weeks I have started and failed to complete three separate blog posts. The one you are now reading is my fourth. I’m pretty sure I still need to finish the other three, but I think I have come to understand that their order was all mixed up.

Last month I planned to write about doubt…specifically the very first time I doubted God. As Christians, we don’t easily admit our doubts. We often just hold it in and hope for it to pass quickly. I wanted to share my story to be an encouragement to you. But every time I sat down to write it became a jumbled, incoherent disaster. I remember how profoundly that doubt effected me. It felt horrible. It shook me to the core. But, I couldn’t remember what had happened in my life to create the seed of doubt in the first place. That seemed like a critical piece of the story, so I began to pray.

God answered my prayer by opening my eyes to the state of my spiritual condition at the time of my first doubt. It quickly became crystal clear why I struggled to write the doubt blog…there was a bigger issue that needed to be dealt with first. I thought that old struggle was long gone, but He helped me see that it was still quite raw. Never dealt with. After a bit of arguing with God, I started to write. It was much harder to write than the doubt blog had been, because I became vulnerable in the process. Exposed. If I were only writing to Jesus that would have been much easier. I pour out my heart when it’s just Him and me. But, these blogs have two purposes. First, they are an exercise that God is using to refine me. Second, they are written for you. I write in hopes of encouraging you in your faith. I want you to know that you’re not alone. Although our daily lives may differ, you and I have likely dealt with the very same fears and failings. Our struggles are universal. King Solomon said it clearly when he wrote, “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” –Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NIV). We have common struggles. But, that knowledge didn’t make writing the blog any easier. It is a bitter pill to swallow when God asks you to do something that makes you feel vulnerable.

While I was wresting with God over this sin that had been brewing for 25 years, He uncovered another layer. He opened my eyes to my core identity…a persona that I have developed over a lifetime. A deficiency in my character that kept me from experiencing the fullness of Christ. This, it seems, is the most difficult lesson yet.

Please forgive me for being so vague. I didn’t start today’s blog with the intent of digging into my three half-written blogs. I merely wanted to introduce them. I think I needed to put some accountability in place because to be perfectly honest, I am still quite struggling to write good English about all of it! Articulating the things God has shown me this month is proving to be difficult. Frankly, to grasp exactly how to change who I have been for literally a lifetime is…well, it’s not easy. I pray for understanding. Wisdom. I pray that my will melts away and becomes His will…quickly! (…Perhaps I should pray for patience too).  This is an uncomfortable place. It feels like I’m standing on the edge of a precipice and God is asking me to let go of what I have always trusted to be steady in my life and trust Him instead. I hear Him saying, repent and turn away from your sin, child. Leave it behind. Don’t look back. Jump into my arms!  I clearly see my own righteousness for what it is…filthy rags! I don’t want it anymore.  God, why is it so difficult to submit to you?

In case you haven’t picked up on this, my Christian life has been easy for a very long time. Too easy. Too long. God is seeing me ‘throughly’, as my dad used to say. God’s sight is not simply thorough. He sees through us, right through to our deepest being. He sees each layer that tries to hide our sin and fears. God ‘throughly’ sees us, so He can thoroughly cleanse us. My prayer is that God will continue to do whatever needs doing, to make me like Jesus.

Isaiah 64:6 NIV
[6] All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Titus 3:4-7 NIV
[4] But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, [5] he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, [6] whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, [7] so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

P.S.
A couple days ago I was doing my devotions when those stupid old thoughts of doubt came to mind again. I had to stop and pray and give them to Jesus and ask Him to help me focus. He did! I had such an amazing morning with the Lord. Then on my way to work He played song after song on the radio, tailored just for me! Songs that reminded of God’s grace and my future with Him. In light of all the sin that the Holy Spirit has been bringing to my attention this month, the words He sang into my soul that morning brought comfort and peace and rest. By the time Flawless, by MercyMe played, tears were streaming down my face and I had to check my makeup at the next stop light!  God is so beautiful to me.

An excerpt from Flawless, by MercyMe:

Could it possibly be that we simply can’t believe
That this unconditional kind of love would be enough to
Take a filthy wretch like this and wrap him up in righteousness?
Well that’s exactly what He did!