Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

This week, something quite amazing happened to me. But before I tell you about it, please allow me to set the stage. I was having a hard time writing this week’s blog. My thoughts were disjointed. My emotions were scattered. You see, I had been reading the news and therein lies the problem! My emotional response, to the news I read, was anger and sadness. I felt remorse. Every time I sat down to write, I found myself blathering on about what was on my mind. But that’s not the point of this blog…at least not right now. So I would write and my thoughts would abruptly stall because I had no answers to what is going on in our broken world! Well, actually, my answer to the problems of the world is Jesus. But the world doesn’t want to believe that He is the answer to their pain.

So, it has been an unsettling week. My normal response to negative emotion is to bury it. That would be why I created that secret heart-chamber in the first place…to stow away all my pain. I’m a laid back person…an analytical thinker. Some may call me stoic. I love reason. I love answers. I love peace. What I don’t love is the emotional roller coaster. Whenever I find myself on that ride it just drives me to distraction! So, I try to redirect my thoughts. But, that is easier said than done when the things I’m reading cause me such heightened emotion.

This week wasn’t an emotional roller coaster. But since I’ve received the joy of the Lord, I have been more in tune with my feelings. Over the past couple months the primary emotion has been joy. So last week’s negative emotions certainly didn’t miss my attention. I kept finding myself asking God if having His joy means that I will feel these other things with more intensity. My anger felt like righteous anger. My sadness felt like what Jesus must feel when the world rejects His love. The remorse I felt was conviction over never standing up to defend the weak. These feelings were equally as intense as the joy has been.

The reason I started this blog was to help me sort out this newfound joy. To understand this gift that God is giving me and to share the journey with you. It occurred to me this week that after a lifetime of calling myself a Christian, I have never learned to effectively deal with my emotions! I just chose to ignore them, but that isn’t the same as dealing with them. For some reason I do not easily receive God’s comfort and strength in the difficult times. I pray for it, but I don’t take what is offered.

I’ve written quite a bit about the pain I was trying to hide from God. I used to think I was so strong. But, I’m beginning to see that what I used to call strength was really just a lie that I told myself. I have to tell you, I’m starting from scratch here! Somehow I’ve gotten to this point in life and I am just now learning how to give Jesus my fears. I love to study His Word. I can trust that He will provide for our needs. I can even obey when He asks me to stand in front of a crowd of people and speak. But, I have never been able to trust Him with my feelings…that was my domain and mine alone.

Throughout the week I kept seeing and hearing this verse: “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” –Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

I have always loved that verse.  However, I’m just realizing now that I have never known this particular strength. At least not to this degree, because my own inner strength got in the way of the strength God had for me!

So, now I’m ready to tell you the amazing thing that happened this week.

Every day at work I listen to Christian music on my iPad. When I got to work on Monday, I realized I had forgotten to charge it overnight…it was down to 12%. That wouldn’t have lasted long! So, I pulled out my cell phone. My iPad only has my favorite music, but I have my entire collection of Christian music on my cell…from Petra to Tenth Avenue North!  So, I decided to tap the first song on the list and just let it play alphabetically.

By lunchtime, I was still listening to songs beginning with the letter A. I sat down at the little table in my office and put my earbuds in. It had been a busy morning, so I just wanted to relax and play a game while I listened to music. I wanted to shut out the world beyond my office door.

The second song that played was called All Our Wishes, by Phil Keaggy. As the first notes played I knew I would soon be crying. He wrote the words of this song after he and his wife lost a baby. It’s a powerful song. It’s a questioning song. There is no resolution to this song. No comfort. He just sings the pain of the conversations they had with God and each other after their baby died. Every time I hear this song I cry…Monday was no different. I dabbed my tears with a tissue and hoped no one would walk in. In a moment, this song had brought me back to the day my grandson was stillborn. I remembered the pain I felt. I was again seeing the pain in my son’s eyes as he walked into the waiting room where my husband and I were sent to wait. I relived the feeling of my grown-up son crying in our arms as we tried to comfort him. There is no pain like the one you feel for your child as he or she grieves. And it doesn’t matter if it’s in the moment or in the memory…this pain cuts deep.

I was barely to the chorus before I looked up, shook my head and told myself not to go there! My old pull-up-those-bootstraps routine! Immediately I realized that if I were to push down the pain and change the song, I would be recreating that secret chamber in my heart. This particular pain would have been my first deposit. That chamber has a voracious appetite…it consumes every discomfort that I am willing to offer it. That scared me. I don’t want to become an island again. I don’t want to keep secrets from God. I don’t want this fire in me to die.

I left the song playing while I cried and prayed. I shut down the game and opened up my Bible app…and I realized I had no idea where to go to find comfort.

I use this app all the time on my iPad, but it was the first time I had opened it on my cell. So it opened up to Genesis 1:1…in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…I love the story of creation, but it’s not necessarily comforting. So, I decided to scroll through the books of the Bible and immediately the Psalms came to mind. You wouldn’t know it with all the song lyrics I’ve written into my blogs, but I really don’t prefer to read poetry. It’s too fluffy. Abstract. Poetry is subject to interpretation and I’m a black and white thinker. I’m drawn to truth and logic, not poetic idealism. Don’t get me wrong, I know that the Psalms are packed full of truth! But they are written in a style that I don’t tend to read for enjoyment. I don’t often find myself drawn to the Psalms. Monday I was drawn to the Psalms.

Now, I would never recommend this approach, but since I was entering uncharted territory, I had no idea what chapter to read. So, I literally spun the wheel and tapped my finger on the screen to get it to stop before it hit the 150th chapter.  The digital version of randomly opening the Bible and pointing to a verse!  It stopped on Psalm 33. This was exactly the message I needed to hear from God.

The first verse says “Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise Him.” A reminder to praise God in the midst of my tears…very good!  A few verses later God reminded me that “the Word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of His unfailing love.” This caused me to think of the news I had been reading. It reminded me that even when all I see is sin and injustice, I can rest in the knowledge that the Word of the Lord is right and true and the earth is FULL of His unfailing love. God is not absent. He’s not a quiet observer. He is active and moving. I can trust that no matter what, He is in control.

After understanding these two beautiful lessons, the Lord gave me a special gift in verses 6-7. It thrills me every time I see a theme in scripture. When scripture supports scripture, when I read the same truth from one book to the next, it confirms my faith. I love seeing the flow of truth in His Word. Verses 6-7 reiterated the story of creation! I had opened the app to see Genesis 1:1. Then I landed on Psalm 33 and read: “By the Word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of His mouth. He gathers the waters of the sea into jars; He puts the deep into storehouses.”

That was God’s special gift just for me and I loved Him for it! He neatly wrapped up Genesis 1 and Psalm 33 and gave it to my analytical mind to store away and cherish. Scripture cross-referencing scripture always brings a smile to my face and God knows this about me! By this time my tears had transformed from bitter to thankful.

God went on to remind me that “the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.” Could it be that every event in life is a part of His plan…no matter if it is joyous or painful? All I could think was Romans 8:28…All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I don’t have to understand why someone dies. But I can rest in the knowledge that His plan is good. Jesus willingly gave His life in obedience to that same plan and we are called to fix our eyes on Jesus, “the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross…” (Hebrews 12:2). That is love!  God’s plan is good.

If all of this weren’t enough, God continued to speak peace to my soul as I continued to read: “But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.” Oh, how I know this to be true! That is my story in a single sentence! God’s eyes never left me when I was running from Him. When I was unfaithful, He was absolutely faithful. He literally delivered me from eternal death. He kept me alive while I was in spiritual famine. His love knows no bounds! He will move heaven and earth restore the prodigal’s son (or daughter). I never understood grace before He drew me back into His arms.

Psalm 33 ends with hope, joy and love.

[20] We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. [21] In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. [22] May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. –Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)

We serve an amazing God. He holds the world in His hands and yet He takes the time to play a song for a girl who is struggling to understand her conflicting emotions. Through that song He took my hand and led me to the Word I needed to hear.  His Word not only brought immediate comfort in my sorrow, but also helped me understand His sovereignty over this broken world and His grace in my life personally. I am so thankful for His love and care.

Thank you Jesus.  I love you.