Joy. I have always known that joy was lacking in my Christian walk. Certainly not unprecedented, but definitely in short supply. I would get glimpses of it when I was happy. Holding my grandchild while looking up at my adult child…that’s a joyful moment. Christmas is a joyful time for me. The memories I have of spending time with my mom in her final days brings me joy. I’m so thankful I was able to share myself with my mom when she needed me. Obedience produces joy in me. When I am serving God, I have perhaps my clearest glimpse into what true joy is. However, when I’m just going through my work-a-day life…that’s never been particularly joyful to me. It’s not depressing, but it’s definitely not joy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this newfound joy I’m experiencing and its effect on me. Sunday morning, February 15th. I feel like that was the day I started living! This was the day the Holy Spirit filled me with joy. However, the thing I find most amazing is that was NOT the day I repented of the sin in my heart…I didn’t yet realize my sin.

In December when I was going through the worst of the storm, my written words created a snapshot of my despair. My writing was filled with confusion, sadness, darkness. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. But, even in that low place I knew that God was doing something important as He broke my heart. Then in February I began writing about this journey of joy. As in December, I didn’t understand what was happening when I first started writing. But, unlike December, I wanted more of the experience! The Spirit was stirring and I wrote about it. I wrote letters to individuals whom God had used to help bring me back. I recorded my personal thoughts, my questions, my gratitude. As quickly as it would come, as fast as I could type, I wrote. I have great difficulty speaking when I don’t understand what’s happening. I feel like my speech just becomes a series of babbling words that will be forgotten as soon as the subject changes. But when I write it’s different. I study and pray over it…I reflect. If my words are on paper I can revisit and learn from them. When I write, I can share it with others and it can become a blessing to more than just me.

I was reading through some of what I wrote the week of the 15th because I wanted to remember the timeline. Sunday was the day my prayers were answered and I was filled with joy. But it wasn’t until Friday that I repented of my sin. This is what I wrote on Friday: “It’s starting. This morning I started specifically praying that God would open my eyes to understand what’s happening to me, so that I can bless others with it. I spent most of my lunch writing down my thoughts as the Holy Spirit started opening my eyes to my sin.”

When I started writing this week’s post, I didn’t remember that the Lord had given me joy before asking me to surrender my treasured sin. It feels like it all happened in one joyful moment, but it didn’t. He flooded my heart with His joy the moment I accepted the truths He had been singing into my soul. Repentance and restoration was to come a few days later. I am amazed by this! I am humbled by this. In my brokenness, I sought Him and He met me in that place. Before I even knew what I needed, He met me and answered my simple prayers, giving me joy. From the point of my acceptance, He began opening my eyes to my condition…He stirred my heart to pray over the things I didn’t yet understand. He not only filled me with joy, He gave me so much more! He offered me rest.

As always, I am listening to music as I type tonight. A song just came on that fits beautifully with what I am trying to say. It’s called When the Tears Fall, by the Newsboys.  Here’s an excerpt:

I’ve had questions without answers.
I’ve known sorrow. I have known pain.
But there’s one thing that I’ll cling to,
You are faithful, Jesus you’re true.

When hope is lost, I’ll call You Savior.
When pain surrounds, I’ll call You Healer.
When silence falls, You’ll be the Song within my heart.

When the Tears Fall is a song that God has used many times over the years to comfort me and remind me of who He is to me. Praise Jesus! He is the Song within my heart.  Before I knew my need, before I saw my sin, He filled me with His Song.  Living Water. Joy welling up from my soul and bubbling over. Overflowing. Giving me peace and rest. I am in awe of God.

On that Friday morning I had absolutely no idea what I was praying for when I asked God to help me understand what He was doing in me. I wanted to understand why joy had always been fleeting before that week. I needed to know what was different now versus last April when I started earnestly praying for joy. Why did He make me pray for months and why did all those prayers lead me to the place where I had to feel the depth of my grief in December? I wanted answers to these questions because a disturbing thought had started rattling around in my head: “What happens after this feeling goes away? Will I just go back to being the woman I used to be…like a dog returning to her vomit?” No! I don’t want to go back! God, help me understand. Please, don’t allow me to reject this joy You’ve given me. Don’t let me forfeit this gift!

This was when the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see my sin.  It was sin that had caused joy to be so rare in my life.  My sin had shielded me from the joy of the Lord. Holding onto the people and things that I had lost in my lifetime had robbed me of joy. I wasn’t merely remembering my losses, I was clinging to them. I was rejecting God’s healing touch because I couldn’t let go of the past. My sin boiled down to the fact that I didn’t trust God to deal with the very personal pain I had carried all those years. He wanted to free me of all that pain…I didn’t let Him. Jesus wanted all of me, not just the part I was willing to give. As the Holy Spirit revealed my sin I repented of it and asked for His forgiveness and cleansing. I gave it all to Him and prayed that He would give me the strength to never take it back.

I have always heard preachers say, “Come as you are. You don’t have to clean yourself up before you come to Christ. He will wash you clean.”   Come as you are.  I always thought these words were only meant for the unsaved. Today, I understand that these words can also be for the believer who clings to their beloved sin.  Christian, come as you are.  If you struggle with joy, you may be harboring hidden sin.  You may not even realize your sin.  Seek Christ and ask Him to open your eyes to your sin.  Repent and find His joy and rest.

Jesus was speaking to the church when He said, “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” –Revelation 3:19-20 (NIV)