During the summer and fall of 2014 I found myself at a low point in life. It was a storm that took me by surprise. My immediate answer to dealing with it was to simplify where I could, letting go of a number of my responsibilities to reduce stress.  This really didn’t help because that action simply added guilt to the anxiety I was already feeling.  I found myself praying constantly…calling out to God for help. I am grateful to say that we serve a God who hears our prayers and answers because He loves us so.  The Holy Spirit broke through my stubborn walls.

I’ve experienced a lot of loss, throughout my life. It was through loss that I first realized how strong I am. So strong that I tend to push people away so I can deal with things myself, in my own logical manner. I’ve always needed to figure things out in my own head before I can reach out to another for help. The Holy Spirit has convicted me of that particular sin many times over the years. Secrets do not heal and becoming an island only produces loneliness…God has opened my eyes to that fact time and time again. But, when I’m dealing with something, I often fall back on old familiar habits, pulling out my inner strength (the one that has absolutely nothing to do with the Holy Spirit in me).  And there I’ll find myself, alone again. I have even been known to push God away. Thankfully, not this time. There were times I was clinging to Him with my fingertips…but at least I was looking to Him.

In December, a lifetime of loss closed in on me…this had been building for months, but in December…Wow, words can’t express. People and things that are never very far from my thoughts all closed in on me at once. The death of my brother, sister, parents and grandson. The loss of the ministry I loved. Family and friends who reject Christ. My job that was ending. My life laid out before me and all I could see was sadness and pain.  Plus, anytime my husband is in pain, I am in pain. His recovery from knee replacement has been a difficult journey…but praise the Lord he is recovering.

I still have no idea where this deep sadness came from. I have always struggled with joy, but have never been this low. Most of the loss I was mourning happened years ago.  Some when I was a child.  But, recent events and concerns brought it all flooding down on me. Before the intensity of December, I had already stopped reading anything of substance because I just couldn’t concentrate. After just a few minutes I would realize I had no idea what I had just read, so I would start over…only to repeat. This effected my devotions…I ended up stopping altogether. However, I didn’t stop praying and listening to music. Music has always touched my heart, but during this time music kind of became my sanity.

By January, it was getting better but I was still asking God why I struggle so hard to find joy. “God, why don’t I have the Joy of the Lord when I have loved You since I was young?” About a month ago, I decided to put together a couple playlists on my iPad. Songs that convict me of sin and point me to Christ. Songs that bring me into God’s presence. Songs that make me smile as I consider the depth of His love for me. I couldn’t concentrate to read God’s Word, but I could still come into His presence through scripture in song.

Anyone who knows me well will know that I love the band Tenth Avenue North. I see them as today’s Keith Green (if you haven’t heard of Keith Green, you can find clips on YouTube). Their lyrics are so honest and filled with truth. They have a way of shining light on all the things that we try to hide in the dark. The struggles and fears and doubts that every Christian who is being honest has to admit they’ve dealt with at some time in their life…perhaps many times in life. But they don’t stop at exposing our common sin, they point us to Christ and to healing, if we’ll accept it. They share the heart of God and His grace. Their words were a balm to my hurting spirit. Through them the Holy Spirit breathed on me and began healing me, revealing my sin and leading me to repentance and joy.

Last Sunday, my pastor reiterated everything the Holy Spirit had been helping me to see…but he did so with scriptural references. I love the power of God’s Word! I was reduced to tears at one point when I realized just how much I am loved by God!  So loved that my Father would weave everything together to speak directly and personally to me.

We were built by the hands of Love, redeemed in spite of what we’ve done.                         We are the Spirit’s dwelling place.                                                                                                 And now, children of the Light, fight back darkness with delight.                                          Lift your eyes up to His face. Let joy take temptation’s place.

These are lyrics from a Tenth Avenue North song called Cathedrals. I love the refrain:

And our hungry souls reach out to whatever fills us up.                                                            But we’ll keep on falling down, unless we fall in love.           

Our hungry souls really do reach out to fill up on the things of this world…they look so pretty and enticing. But those things don’t last! Until we fall in love with God, we will continue to struggle in this Christian walk of ours. Cathedrals was just one of many songs that pointed my face toward Christ and reminded me who I am in Him.

This last week, every single day, I have been joyful. It’s the kind of joy I feel when I’m teaching or preaching. I rarely feel this way when I’m not serving Him. The joy that has been so elusive my entire life is being poured into my spirit. I am in awe of my God tonight and I am so grateful that he is so patient and kind. He has pursued me for 50 years, waiting for me to just fall in love. Praise the name of Jesus.

I pray this blog encourages you. If you’re struggling, look to Jesus for your healing. If you are on the mountaintop, praise God! If you’re somewhere in between, don’t forget to keep your eyes on Christ. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

In Christ, Alice